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mrjer
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Joined: 01 Jun 2008
Posts: 18
Location: Vermont
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 Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 3:53 pm Post subject: 3 little loglines |
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So here are a few things I am working on. I don't like the title of Super Human Strength. Having trouble finding one. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. =)
WORLD WAR III: In the mist of World War 3, an A.W.O.L. marine strives to get home to his family before the enemy. (GOLDEN FLEECE)
RETAIL: A fed-up department store employee plots to rob his own store under the nose of the bosses meddling kids. (GOLDEN FLEECE)
SUPER HUMAN STRENGTH: After witnessing his mother’s death, a man unleashes his super human strength and must use it to save the human race from genetically altered beings. (SUPERHERO)
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Brooke
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mrjer
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Joined: 01 Jun 2008
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Location: Vermont
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banditcameraman
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Joined: 17 Apr 2008
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Location: Manila, Philippines
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Fred B.
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Joined: 06 Jun 2008
Posts: 61
Location: Los Angeles
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| Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 2:38 pm Post subject: |
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| banditcameraman wrote: | Hi Jer 
Just some thoughts:
World War III sounds more like a Dude with a Problem. Of course you'd need to define why he has to go AWOL and why the enemy forces are targetting his family. That said, the nascent logline made me say "Dude, that guy has a problem!"
Retail sounds like it could be Institutionalized, if you're treating the store as a family business in which the Boss's kids are throwing their weight around. That's actually very common in this country and they're referred to as C.O.O.s (Child Of Owner) 
Superhuman Strength: the only reason I can think of why the MC wasn't able to save his mother is that the event that killed her also gave him his superhuman strength. In fact, it doesn't have to stop there. If the MC is the only one standing against genetically altered beings, you might want to give him a few other abilities to give him a fighting chance.
As always, this may or may not help 
Best,
Jaime |
WW3: AWOL in wartime is a very hard sell to make a lead character sympathetic, since he would be abandoning his brothers in combat. Perhaps an unpopular war...
Retail: I had a high school classmate who became a bank officer, then faked the bank's robbery and shot himself in the hand (true!--Kind of a real-life Fargo). The police eventually figured it out through inconsistencies in his explanations. In your story, kids being stereotypically snoopy, they might end up being the 'detectives.'
SuperHuman: This is like I Am Legend with powers. Sounds like he wouldn't have helped the world unless the genetic 'thing' had taken his mother. Doesn't necessarily mean he was selfish, perhaps the thing he has to fight is so overwhelmingly fearful that it took something like that to make him risk it. What is his Kryptonite, so to speak. Or in Cat language, what / who would be his more powerful evil twin, or alter ego? Right?
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mrjer
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Rachel T.
Ocelot
Joined: 15 Jan 2008
Posts: 183
Location: Michigan
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| Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 5:04 am Post subject: |
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The first two sound much stronger, Jer - good job!
SHS still needs something to tie his new powers with his mother's death and the rest of genetically-altered humanity.
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crazrick
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Joined: 28 Mar 2008
Posts: 151
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| Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 10:19 am Post subject: |
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my thoughts (for what little they're worth):
| mrjer wrote: |
WORLD WAR III: In an apocalyptic war gone wrong, an abandoned marine struggles to get home to his family as he faces the self-destruction of mankind. (DUDE WITH A PROBLEM) |
This is the best of the three, even without a boldly-stated antagonistic force; it's the end of the world, the war to end all wars, and he's been abandoned and alone, presumably in enemy territory (if there are indeed such delineations still made as territories any more by the time we start the story) Obviously, darkness and dread and fear abound, not to mention the unspoken Evil that still lurks... good one! Except for the title, this is a keeper!
| mrjer wrote: | | RETAIL: A fed-up department store employee plots to rob his own store under the nose of his ass-kissing manager. (GOLDEN FLEECE) |
This one, I'm not feeling the stakes.. so what if he doesn't decide to rob his own store? so what if he doesn't pull off the caper? what's he got to lose? he's already fed-up, probably not loving his job so much to begin with... big woop if he tries and fails (or even if he succeeds) in robbing the joint! I get it, it's probably farcical comedy tone, so the set-up really need not be gripping and compelling as say, WWIII, but still...
if you think of those insitutionalized flicks regarding hapless heroes trapped in department stores (CAREER OPPORTUNITIES or EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH, or even such things as CLERKS etc etc...) don't they come down to 'getting the girl' or some such? so, where's the angle in the logline? where are the stakes? what's his 'real' goal? just to rob the place for the sake of doing 'something' with his wasted life to that point?? if that's that, I think it needs to be fleshed out more in the logline...
even just something simple as:
RETAIL: To get the shallow perfume-spritzer girl's attention before he goes off to fight WWIII, a fed-up department store employee plots to rob his own store under the nose of his ass-kissing manager.
gives a reason, a method for the guy's madness, albeit a flimsy cliched excuse, but at least it's something...
| mrjer wrote: | | SUPER HUMAN STRENGTH: After witnessing his mother’s death, a man gains super human strength and must use it to save the human race from genetically altered beings. (SUPERHERO) |
ya, by not tying his mother's death into the development of powers or the unleashing of the genetic mutants, it makes that part of the logline seem extraneous. Without that part:
A man gains super human strength and must use it to save the human race from genetically altered beings.
is better, marginally, I guess. Not enough of that 'stuff' the conflict, the irony, the hook what makes this super-hero story any different than all the rest? is your super hero a drunk and homeless reluctant hero like Hancock? or The Hulk, trying to contain and control his darker impulses but forced to unleash that hidden strength to combat other evils? Nothing in the logline or what can be derived as concept or theme really sells the superhero story as anything new and different... rather than being the same only different, it's the same... still the same.
I'd tackle the WWIII (but do try to come up with a more compelling title) and let the others percolate, simmer, or fester a bit longer...
good stuff tho!
write on! 
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Brooke
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Joined: 29 Dec 2007
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Location: Los Angeles
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| Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 11:38 am Post subject: |
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| mrjer wrote: | | his ass-kissing manager. (GOLDEN FLEECE) |
Who's ass is the manager kissing? A third party? The employee's? What does this description have to do with the story?? Cuz if it's the employee's, then why is he so annoyed with his boss?
WWIII is really strong. It blew me away, great job.
SHS is too clunky, as you said. It's also still vague. I agree with Rachel. Try to tie his powers in with the altered humans, and the altered humans in with his mom's death. Connect the dots, so to speak.
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mrjer
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crazrick
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Joined: 28 Mar 2008
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| Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 12:37 pm Post subject: |
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getting there, slow but sure! So, the guy is 'one of Them' as in he's one of the mutated freak mercenaries... but then, They kill his mother, so now he wants out, and more-- he wants their heads!! Now, it's personal!
or you do the double-mumbo-jumbo thing ala Spiderman, and say that it's a complete coincidence that two different forms of mutation occur at roughly the same time and place, and that the hero strength and villains' mutant powers are completely unrelated...
that part is still vague, but if that comes out in the log, give the guy that sort of connection to the mutant mob, all the better as far as ironic quirk and hook. A flip on the basic good-soldier-gone-bad, where going against program is actually what makes our hero 'good'
Universal Soldier, Spiderman, Superman, X-Men, Hulk all come to mind... typical comic-book superhero stuff... orrrrrr not??
at least it's 'becoming' 'something'
write on!
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Rachel T.
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Location: Michigan
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| Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 2:52 pm Post subject: |
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Maybe his mother was tied to the genetically mutated mercenaries somehow? A scientist who experimented on them (and on her son, too, when he was a baby, unbeknownst to him?)? Maybe a govt. experiment gone wrong, and, traumatized by the evils done to them in the name of science, they set out to destroy the people responsible!! Ok, you can tell, I'm overdoing the drama, but that last one has a nice twist - your hero is actually trying to get vengeance for somebody who's done something horrible (or who people claim has done something horrible). Make that a nice little false victory/dark night of the soul moment - your hero has actually been avenging the bad guy. Good becomes bad, bad becomes good, right is wrong, wrong is right. Good irony. Then, somebody lets it slip that there was a way to control these powers, or undo them, and instead of taking the safe way out these guys went rogue and escaped, and now they're actually out to destroy the scientists before the govt. can make some more superheroes to stop them. (And, hey, how insightful of mom: she went into hiding and raised him!! With a strong sense of public duty, of course.  )
Just ad-libbing . . . But now we're getting to the irony of the title, too!
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Don't be afraid to admit that inside you is a seething, fiery core of ambition and lust for success that would appall Napoleon.
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Brooke
Bengal Tiger
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| Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 5:22 pm Post subject: |
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Just something that caught my eye.
| Code: | | ..an apocalyptic war gone wrong... |
Isn't it assumed if the war is apocalyptic it has already gone wrong? I think it's a little redundant.
A thought about SHS.
Maybe the protag works for "the company," which creates super soldiers(like The Bourne Trilogy), but he's just a paper pusher. He finds something out and the company threatens to kill his mom. Alas, they do. The protag either accidently or purposefully becomes a super soldier, too, and he begins his revenge.
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bpond
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Location: Seattle
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| Posted: Fri Jul 11, 2008 2:32 pm Post subject: |
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| Rachel T. wrote: | | Maybe his mother was tied to the genetically mutated mercenaries somehow? A scientist who experimented on them (and on her son, too, when he was a baby, unbeknownst to him?)? |
Hey Jer I really like this concept...I'm a super hero nut from the word GO and what Rachel T is proposing makes hella sense. There needs to be that link between mom, mom's death, and the super powers. Also, taking a cue from comic books (and from Blake) heroes and villains are two sides of the same coin. One chose the dark path and one chose the light...and usually one made the other in some way. Great job though. I can feel your passion in your responses.
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Mike Rinaldi
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| Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 1:24 am Post subject: |
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| To quote Bruce Wayne in The Dark Knight: "You either die a hero or live long enough to become the villain."
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