5 Loglines and 1 Eager Writer (Loglines and Titles Edited)

Cam_O · Tiger Joined: 05 Jun 2009 Posts: 141 Location: Nebraska

Loglines are edited!

I would greatly appreciate any and all feedback.
Let's learn from each other!

Loglines are in order of how much I like them...

Basic Training - Fool Triumphant - Comedy

A video game nerd and his sun-starved friends inherit a fortune from his dead uncle which they will spend on the video game party room of their dreams, but they can only inherit the money after they complete basic training.

Counseling Mary - DWAP - Drama

After his wife becomes a quadriplegic, a self-obsessed marriage counselor must put aside his high-profile career and secret vices to reinvent the dream life they planned together.

Swim Star - DWAP - Drama

"Most likely to be happy" senior captain of his high school swim team battles a life-threatening depression as he trains for a spot on the Olympic team and a sponsorship that would keep him and his mother off of the street.

28 Brains Later - Comedy

After zombies have taken over most of America and have settled into their domestic lives, leaving the survivors in Hawaii; a gawky, week-kneed scientist must find a cure that would halt a war hero's attack plan; and protect his zombie love interest.

Hi, School - Fool Triumphant - Drama

When an over-protected and disabled 25 year-old enrolls in high school, he discovers a world of unforgiving cruelty, unlikely friends and a girl who resembles Snow White.

Thank you all who are going to post with feedback!
God Bless!

_________________
I am full of ideas.
I just don't know what they are yet.

fletch137 · Posted: Sat Jun 06, 2009 3:50 am Post subject:

Just some quick, initial thoughts:

Basic Training - I can see this. The logline could probably use some polish, but even with just what you have here, the story and conflict are apparent and the potential for comedy is high. However, I can tell you from experience that gamers are exactly the kind of people the military are looking for. I don't think this will be the fish out of water you think it is. Having said that, though, the idea of having to complete a boot camp to inherite a bunch of cash is sound. Stick with gamers if you like, but there may be other stereotypes that make for better comedy.

Mary Counseling - This one I don't get. Is it important that he's a strip-clubber? Is there a story arc involved? All you have here, really, is a set-up. What's the challenge? What needs to be overcome?

Swim Star - Again, I don't see anything more than a set-up here. I like the contrast you've made with the "of course he's going to be successful" with his secret depression, but I'm interested in seeing the story. What kind of work does he do? Is he looking for a way out or is he just trying to maintain the status quo. Good character, he just needs something to do.

28 Brains Later - Who's the key character here? The Secretary of Defense? The zombie dad? I get a real kick out of the idea of zombies settling into a status quo once they've wiped out humanity, though. Stick with this idea only because I'd love to see where it goes. It needs a protagonist, though.

Home School - Youch. This one has a very clear challenge to be overcome. Unfortunately, it feels like you're setting up a film specifically to make fun of the retarded guy, and watch this 20+ year old score with the high school girls. Having said that, though, again you've found a great character. A disabled man-child, sheltered by his father, makes a decision to go to school to make the friends he's been missing.

So I guess, of these five, the one that I think is the most ready for a story is Basic Training. Put as much thought into these characters as you did in some of your other pitches and I think you've got a solid concept.

Home School benefits from a strong character concept that, strangely, I see playing better as a drama than a comedy. It's on shakey ground as is, but don't throw away that character or his conflict. That's golden. It just needs the right story.

Swim Star and Mary Counseling seem the weakest. You've set up the character conflicts, but they both need a story to take them someplace.

gc_bevan · Posted: Sat Jun 06, 2009 10:52 am Post subject:

I think fletch makes good points. A few more comments/ideas:

Basic Training - I think what's missing here is what happens after they complete boot camp. I'm sort of expecting a Stripes style comedy, but with a layabout gamer as the hero. Is he thrust into some sort of military crisis, and discover the military is better than any game?

Mary Counseling - I like the idea of a marriage counselor who can't keep his own relationship together, but also wonder what happens after the car crash. Does this experience somehow elevate him, or does he abandon her?

Swim Star - Who is the antagonist? Maybe put him against a rival swimmer - wealthy, perfect teeth, etc. - and they're fighting to win a spot on the Olympic team. The sponsorships will solve the hero's money problems, but first he has to confront his own problems and defeat his rival.

28 Brains Later - I also like the setup, but think this needs a clearer goal. Right now, it sounds like the SecDef is planning an epic invasion - bombing runs, street-level fighting etc. - which would be cool as a backdrop, but seems unlikely to get resolved by the end. Maybe the hero isn't the leader, but someone fighting to reach some special place that offers a cure - or will wipe out the zombies, albeit with most of the remaining humans worldwide.

Home School - I agree with fletch, a mentally disabled hero won't work as written. However, just swap in a brilliant but socially clueless hero and it could be a winner. He's never watched TV, played video games or sent a text - and now he's in high school.

Overall I think your concepts are good starting points. Put a little more meat on the bones, and one or more will be good to go. Smile

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Just keep writing, baby...

Cam_O · Tiger Joined: 05 Jun 2009 Posts: 141 Location: Nebraska

Thank you both very much!
What you are saying gets me thinking...

I have already made a movie that was like Home School for a film class, but when I wanted to mold it into a good logline I had problems with the characters, because I had the "what" behind the hero, but I didn't have the "why". After discussing with Blake via e-mail we arrived on the idea that he is a disabled man in high school.
"Forrest Gump in High School"

That being said, I have been forming the story and I have most of it "beated" out, I just need a solid logline.
I was struggling with making it into a comedy because it sounds like a sad story (the film I made for class was a comedy), but after reading what you said I definitely want to make it into a drama. Much of the back story is dramatic, because he is actually searching for his mother who left.
And for comic relief, his first friend he meets at high school is almost his exact opposite.
Another kid who's home schooled, but he's 12 and a "socially clueless" genius who lets him in on all the cliques of the high school. (Just like you said, gc_bevan)

Basic Training is about high school kids who play with guns on video games, but then to achieve their greatest video game fantasy, they need to hold real guns. That was the irony I was going for. I want weak, pale kids in hard training.

The moral of this story would come out of them learning that there is something great to life when hard work is put into it. They re seniors in high school, but don't have plans for their lives. I want the main character to enlist in the army after he completes basic training to prove the point.

Swim Star is about him training for the Olympics (I should've put that in the logline!) in order to help keep his mother off the street. He is also working full time. But do I really need to put his jobs in the logline? I think that will bog it down, keeping attention off of the useful details.

Thank you for letting me realize this logline needs a place to go to!
He is training for the Olympics.

The antagonist in this story would be the depression he is fighting and on a lower note, all the other people competing for sponsorship on the Olympic team.
The real moral of the story is that life is always worth living.
He doesn't get the sponsorship, but eventually saves a girl's life and through the gratitude of her family, he gets the money needed to provide for his mother.
He struggles throughout to save his own life and ends up also saving another's life.

In Mary Counseling I want it to be evident that this guy is a guy who is very interested in what the world can give him. He is a smart guy with a degree and can tell people how to live their marriages, but when he gets his own to the girl he has always "loved" the struggle hits hard. This guy needs to learn to truly love. He can't be loyal until he's stood the test and when his wife becomes a quadriplegic, the test of his loyalty comes into light. He is used to going to strip clubs and telling other people how to fix their marriages. Now he has a wife that needs plenty of care and he truly wants to prove he can love her, but he still has to overcome his selfish nature.
I think this accident will definitely elevate him. He has known this girl most of his life and wants to prove (maybe out of pride at first) that a marriage counselor can keep his own marriage together.

Does that make sense?

28 Brains Later does need more work. Thanks thanks again!
I like the idea of having someone wanting to find a cure, good idea. So the protagonist could be the secretary of defense teaming up with the hero, a horror movie enthusiast who knows he can find a cure for them! But maybe in the end he falls in love with the princess zombie.
This story is ridiculous!

You are helping plenty!

_________________
I am full of ideas.
I just don't know what they are yet.

gc_bevan · Posted: Sat Jun 06, 2009 11:50 pm Post subject:

For Home School (Schooled?), maybe something like:

A disabled and lonely 25 year-old enrolls in high school, only to discover an unlikely companion, cruel bullies, judgmental teachers and the upcoming spring dance.

For Basic Training, I thought (at least in the US) that recruits enlisted in the Army first, then received basic training. So how would the hero face this choice after basic is finished?

For Swim Star, you may be giving your hero too many big problems to deal with: homelessness, serious depression and working overtime, all while trying to get on the Olympic team! I suggest simplifying his main problem to something that an Olympics berth will clearly solve - and really like your idea of him not getting it but finding something more important.

_________________
Just keep writing, baby...

Cam_O · Tiger Joined: 05 Jun 2009 Posts: 141 Location: Nebraska

Thanks again sir!

Here is the new logline for Swim Star.
You were right, that was too much for one character in one story...

"Most likely to be happy" senior captain of his high school swim team battles a life-threatening depression as he trains for a spot on the Olympic team and a sponsorship that would keep him and his mother off of the street.

I did some research for Basic Training and found out that they enlist in the army and then start Basic Training. You were right about that.
After basic training they can stop right there or continue with AIT (Advanced Individual Training) which the Hero in the story can continue with and he could train there as an infantry.
Much better!!!

Your advice is getting my mind rolling...

In Home School what if in reference to the hero's innocence, he finds the girl of his dreams... A senior who resembles Snow White.

"An over-protected, disabled 25 year-old man enrolls in high school, only to discover an unlikely companion, cruel bullies, white-knuckled teachers and a girl who he thinks resembles Snow White."

Thanks always! And let me know what you think.

_________________
I am full of ideas.
I just don't know what they are yet.

fletch137 · Posted: Sun Jun 07, 2009 6:48 am Post subject:

Mike Rinaldi · Posted: Sun Jun 07, 2009 7:32 am Post subject: Re: 5 Loglines and 1 Eager Writer

Cam_O · Tiger Joined: 05 Jun 2009 Posts: 141 Location: Nebraska

gc_bevan · Posted: Mon Jun 08, 2009 2:21 am Post subject:

I think you're getting there! For Home School , here is a slight tweak aimed at better readability:

When an over-protected and disabled 25 year-old enrolls in high school, he discovers a world of unforgiving cruelty, unlikely friends and a girl who resembles Snow White.

For Mary Counseling, maybe something like:

After his wife becomes a quadriplegic, a two-faced marriage counselor must put aside his high-profile career, secret vices and self-obsession to reinvent the dream life they planned together.

For Swim Star, I'll lobby one more time (and then shut up) about giving the hero fewer problems. Homelessness seems like the best counterpoint to Olympic success, i.e. winning the latter will clearly erase the former. Severe depression, on the other hand, isn't cured by an external victory; problems usually emanate from past experiences, chemical imbalances and maybe genetics, and take years to resolve. In other words, being the fastest swimmer won't offer a cure for depression. Given that, and the need to have a clear hero's goal with a well-defined finish line, I suggest dropping the depression aspect. (And please forgive this long essay - I have a history of depression in my family, and so am very familiar with the disease.)

All that said, of course feel free - insist! - on following your own compass, even when I'm not getting it. You're moving on up! Smile

_________________
Just keep writing, baby...

Cam_O · Tiger Joined: 05 Jun 2009 Posts: 141 Location: Nebraska

Gc, you give great advice and you are awesome at rewording loglines!
They sound much better THANKS to you.

Mary Counseling's theme is Marriage is about Love.
Simply difficult, eh?

I think saying "two-faced" in the logline makes me care less for the guy. I know hero's make the longest journey, but I want him to be likable as well...

After his wife becomes a quadriplegic, a self-obsessed marriage counselor must put aside his high-profile career and secret vices to reinvent the dream life they planned together.

With your help I think it looks great!

Thank you for your opinion on Swim Star. I think it is my fault that this is hard to envision, but I will try to explain a little better.
Swim Star's theme is Life is always worth living. It is more than a story about getting on the Olympic team, which can be placed somewhere for false victory... It is a story about surviving a sad life above all else. Towards the end the hero doesn't even get the sponsorship in an All Hope is Lost type beat. Which makes him question living. But he sums up the courage to fight another day and ends up saving a girl's life who is part of the B Story.
And he definitely isn't going to be cured from depression through any financial prize or race won, but it is going to be clear that he is well on his way to a life of happiness when he realizes, "My life has beauty."

Does that make sense?

I think it would be easier if I tried to crank out a beat sheet to see if I did have too much for one character's plate. You might be right!

I am so eager to write! I just need one solid logline...

Thanks again!

_________________
I am full of ideas.
I just don't know what they are yet.

gc_bevan · Posted: Tue Jun 09, 2009 12:47 am Post subject:

Your version of Mary Counseling looks very good. It might be even better with ""his newlywed bride" instead of "his wife." This would magnify the tragedy and make reinventing their future more poignant.

For Swim Star, maybe:

While concealing homelessness and life-threatening depression, a “most likely to be happy” high school athlete competes against cutthroat rivals for a lucrative Olympics team berth.

I think your concepts for Swim Star, Mary Counseling and Home School are looking pretty solid; I understand the stories and can see their potential. Basic Training and 28 Brains are coming along but still need more fleshing out.

Some impressions on your titles - Swim Star is great. Is the "Mary" in Mary Counseling the wife's name? If so, Counseling Mary seems better. Home School sounds like it takes place at home, which isn't the logline story - but I can't think of anything better.

_________________
Just keep writing, baby...

fletch137 · Posted: Tue Jun 09, 2009 5:38 am Post subject:

Cam_O · Tiger Joined: 05 Jun 2009 Posts: 141 Location: Nebraska

fletch137 · Posted: Tue Jun 09, 2009 10:35 pm Post subject:

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