Escaping Eden - BS2

Cam_O · Tiger Joined: 05 Jun 2009 Posts: 128 Location: Nebraska

Escaping Eden
After learning they are guinea pigs in an isolated space utopia, the grown-up children of ruthless research scientists plot escape to an untamed alien world.

EDEN-
Extraterrestrial Detachment for Experimental Nirvana

...maybe? Smile

I found out this could be a great example of a two-handed story:

ROP for the Dynamic version of one of the scientists, not the Static, evil one.
Life Problem : Suffering
Wrong Way : Create an isolated utopia
Right Way : Acceptance of suffering as necessity for the contrast of happiness

GF for the two cosmic "inmates".
Road : Unknown Alien World
Team : His adventurous female partner
Prize : To get home.

ON WITH THE BS2!

Opening Image
A droid wakes up our hero in his luxurious bedroom.

Theme Stated
The droid walking him through his routine reminds our hero "Smile. Today is good. The world is yours. Your home"

Set-Up
We meet a female who's in the same routines as our hero; sharing meals, learning subjects, and more intimately they both delight in creating their own language, along with writing each other, even though they need to be pre-screened. The hero is haunted by dreams of an unknown source.

Catalyst
He gets a certain nightmare that triggers him to finish one of the drawings in his notebook; a distorted face behind fog, holding a piece of paper. Going back to sleep, he dreams of harmony outside his "home"; interrupted by the same old robot waking him in the same predictable way.

Debate
Is he meant to live with these dreams and half-full fantasies his entire life? He talks with his lady friend in the morning, They both share their sorrows using their clever language of course. Oblivious to the audience, they are planning something.

Break Into Two
Scheduled encounter between the two for reproductive purposes. The only time they aren't watched. Unwilling to sleep together, they make their escape through the open ceiling. We discover the crew of Observers and Cosmic Police Force controlling the utopia. Not too long after the escape, the Observers discover the empty bed sheets.

B-Story
One of the Observers, the scientist who needs to change, orders the Cosmic force to track them down.

Fun and Games
Upside down world full of confining cave hideouts, alien monsters (friendly or deadly), vast landscapes full of new discoveries, raising the joy of our heros, while heightening the misery of the Observers. Our Dynamic scientist joins the search.

Midpoint
False victory of finally being at the end of their search they discover a new home among the tropics of the alien world; but the Scientist and the Police force have caught up, capturing them.

Bad Guys Close In
Our evil scientist is planning in secret to exterminate the two in order to restart the experiment with two new children. Al the while it's back to the utopian cells; a trip that involves our heros discoursing with the Scientist on a mission to complete his experiment. We discover he has lost his family in a bitter divorce. He needs hope and finds it through the success of the experiment.

All Is Lost
Back at the utopia, they are met by the evil scientist, the female's father, who reveals himself as such. He takes them into a dreary, foregone laboratory for one final test before discarding them.

Dark Night Of The Soul
Our two heroes, using their beautiful language, express their newfound joy, yet distress for not yet finding home. The divorced scientist tries any way to stop the villain, first verbally, then...

Break Into Three
He attacks the villain, letting the two escape.

Finale
Plan to Storm Castle
Riding away with one of the Police Force, "Take us home." A voyage to earth will take a full day.

Enter the Bad Guys' Fort
They arrive at earth, their "unknown home".

"It's A Trap!"
The villain is there, waiting, after murdering the good scientist. He has lied to the government, convincing them that the two are murderous criminals. They are sentenced to death.

Dig Deep Down
The hero's last words; he digs into his heart and speaks about his whole life. Suffering included in his supposedly perfect life. "I just want to be home."

Final Battle
Some swayed in pity for the man, revolt against the angry mob; a battle between the opposing forces. The hero doesn't fight, he surrenders his life at the hand of the villain, embodying the power of peace. The fight stops. Our male hero dead, and the rest of the mob; changed and realizing the true murderer, the villain. They lock him up.

Wrap-Up/Denouement
Our heroine finds refuge in the big city, which is everywhere in the future. Towering skyscrapers and a normal life. The funeral of our hero inspires the world he was never really a part of.

Final Image
Heroine goes to sleep, finally smiling, in an average bed near a photograph of her friend, our hero, who is also finally in his true home.

Comments are greatly appreciated!
Complements will receive a dollar. Smile

_________________
I am full of ideas.
I just don't know what they are yet.

gc_bevan · Posted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 6:30 pm Post subject:

I like the logline and two-handed story structure. For the GF prize, I suggest "freedom." It seems more natural for people trapped in a guilded cage.

As for the beat sheet, I think the pacing needs adjustment. Breaking the story into quarters, it is now basically:

Act I: Meet the hero, who is comfortable but trapped on a space station. Spurred by a nagging dream, he escapes with his girl to an alien world.
Act II, 1st half: After dodging pursuers and alien monsters, the heroes find a tropical alien home.
Act II, 2nd half: The heroes are recaptured, returned to the space station and scheduled for death.
Act III: The heroes escape again (this time to Earth), and must defeat a scientist trying to erase evidence of the off-world experiment.

The big problem is that the escape happens too early and way too easily. I would go with something like:

Act I: Meet the hero, who is comfortable but trapped on a space station. After new tests reveals a medical incompatibility, he is separated from his girl, his only human companion and lifelong friend. They are both mated with other partners, but he won't accept it.
Act II, 1st half: The hero starts pushing the limits of his confinement and is severely punished. He doesn't know where she is, but is starting to learn the truth of their space station home.
Act II, 2nd half: The hero reconnects with his girl and navigates through the mechanical underbelly of the space station. They dodge police, scientists etc. and plan their escape to the nearby alien world. His escape pod lands in water, hers in jungle. He thinks she's dead.
Act III: The heroes reconnect and dodge the police, scientists and alien monsters. To win their freedom, they must either defeat their powerful enemies, convince them they're dead, pit the monsters against the scientists or some such. The heroes win and carve out a new, uncomfortable but free existence.

This doesn't seem ideal but hopefully illustrates a more hard-won escape. After so much struggle, the victory would be much sweeter.

Finally a comment on theme. It should be something the hero should work to learn, and now seems too bland. Maybe in response to the hero's frustration with his daily routine, the droid could say “Smile. The world is what you make of it.” That's the hero's problem – his gilded cage is a scientist's vision of perfection and changes aren't allowed. He has to escape to earn the woman and freedom he craves.

I hope this helps! Smile

_________________
Just keep writing, baby...

Cam_O · Tiger Joined: 05 Jun 2009 Posts: 128 Location: Nebraska

Greg, you have helped a bunch! I let your comments sink in the past week and I believe this new beat sheet is much better. I tried to keep it simple, so I understand if there is confusion. Muchó Concisó!

Opening Image
A droid wakes up our hero in his luxurious bedroom.

Theme Stated
The droid walking him through his routine reminds our hero, blandly "Smile. The world is what you make of it."

Set-Up
We meet a female who's in the same routines as our hero; sharing meals, learning subjects, and writing each other, even though they need to be pre-screened.

Catalyst
The first sign of discontent; our hero has a disturbing nightmare.

Debate
Why does he have nightmares living his perfect life? He talks with his lady friend in the morning who also has nightmares.

Break Into Two
Finally being of optimal age, the two are scheduled for reproductive purposes. After their testing however, he is medically incompatible with her and shipped off to another sector that he's unfamiliar with.

Fun and Games
Retaliating against the segregation from his friend, he tests the limits of his "prison". The Observers in turn, show their discipline by taking more and more away from the hero, turning his luxurious prison into more of a authentic confinement, slowly revealing to the hero the truths of the isolated utopia.

Midpoint
With his new knowledge of the workings of the station, he reconnects with his girl.

Bad Guys Close In
Breaking free from their confinement, they leave their comfortable life behind, followed closely by frantic scientists and a cosmic police force. Finally they reach the brink of the space station, get into their respected escape pods, shooting off into the unknown darkness.

All Is Lost
After barely surviving his landing in a mucky swamp, our hero is alone for the first time in his life.

Dark Night Of The Soul
He sludges through his desolate swamp actually missing his confinement and being pitted against the new world's monsters for survival.

Break Into Three
Running from the aliens, he finds her in a cave!

Plan to Storm Castle
They cut their celebration short with knowledge of their pursuers. They plan to sleep tonight and continue on at sunrise.

Enter the Bad Guys' Fort
Sunrise. He exits the cave in search of food and a way out.

"It's A Trap!"
He returns to find the cave empty. She is captured and being shipped back to be discarded.

Dig Deep Down
With the choice of continuing on, out of the jungle into freedom or returning all the way back to the beginning, our hero makes his choice.

Final Battle (needs work, but a good start)
On his way back for the rescue, he stumbles upon a beast's lair. He lures the furious animals inside and causes a colossal disruption, during which, he finds his princess and they escape once again with several inmates this time.

Wrap-Up/Denouement
They flee past the jungle and into the beautiful corner of the world; tropics and all.

Final Image
Hero and his princess fall asleep in their open range; new life, new adventures ahead.

_________________
I am full of ideas.
I just don't know what they are yet.

gc_bevan · Posted: Tue Nov 10, 2009 12:28 am Post subject:

I like your new Beat Sheet and hope you keep moving forward. My feedback by section:

Opening Image: Good.

Theme Stated: Good.

Set-Up: Good but should list the Six Things That Need Fixing. Getting these sorted out early has been a huge help for me, as they often relate to theme or help defeat the antagonist once overcome.

Catalyst: Good.

Debate: Good but could maybe be more expansive. The question could be “Will he risk his perfect life to discover the meaning of his nightmares?” This seems to provide more plot potential – he can talk to his lady friend, explore the computers and otherwise dip his toe in dangerous waters. But he hasn't jumped in yet.

Break Into Two: Good.

Fun and Games: This could be taken further. Maybe he not only discovers his imprisonment, but his status as lab rat. What punishments compel him back into the maze, and what pleasures tempt him to re-engage in his comfortable lifestyle?

Midpoint: Good.

Bad Guys Close In: Seems good though I was surprised by the appearance of the cosmic police force. It's probably just the admirable brevity of your beat sheet, but do they make earlier appearances under another guise?

All Is Lost: Good. And he's not only alone, he's disconnected from food, water, shelter and so on. And believes that his girl is dead.

Dark Night Of The Soul: What deeply held beliefs does he confront at this point, and what new breakthrough in understanding (i.e. the theme) equips him for the challenges ahead?

Break Into Three: Good. He could rescue her in addition to finding her.

Plan to Storm Castle and remaining sections: Everything seems good but I wonder if the drama could be magnified a bit more. The hero has escaped from the experiment and freed other lab rats, but could he also destroy the space station? Or unmask the scientists so that they are rejected by society back on Earth? Maybe after realizing they don't belong on Earth (having never known it), the escapees could engineer the scientist's/police's destruction while making it seem that the alien world is intrinsically dangerous to space travelers. This gives them a world to remake as they see fit, realizing the theme. The wrap-up could then be a scene from 10 years later, with a new culture emerging from the ashes of the experiment.

As always, I hope this helps! Smile

_________________
Just keep writing, baby...

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