Forum newb loglines...

[90Shillings]

Greetings all: I emailed my loglines to Blake Snyder and he pointed me to this site, so here goes:

This is my sci-fi that I'm working on now:

ATOM - A defeated scientist gets unlikely help from an amnesic alien to cure a fast-spreading, pandemic virus.

Weary after years of trying to perfect a world DNA curing device, Dr. Peter Galt encounters an alien, Atom, who is able to cure people of disease by simply making sounds. Having crash landed, Atom remembers little about himself, but quickly jumps aboard Galt's project and it becomes a success. But strange events ensue, including a few deaths, and Atom's work on the project is found to include a doomsday device for mankind. Galt, the last one to accept this truth, must find a way to achieve his dream without destroying the world.

Two more:

Mind Over Matter - comedy - A failed psychic detective joins forces with an FBI applicant to solve crimes that may or may not exist.

Charlie claims to defend your company from psychic theft, which he swears is out there, but may employ a friend to park outside and pose as a mental impostor to help clients make their decision. Jane Doe, an FBI applicant, tracks Charlie down and recruits him for operation Phoenix Landing, a new program with the Clandestine Service that spies for government leaks. A real FBI official begins tracking Charlie and Jane and finds an opportunity to weave his own covert interests into theirs. It's a love story where two people must choose between fantasy and reality, the latter of which has good and bad things to offer.

Phantom Limb - action - An ex-con is hunted by a gang of amputee bikers seeking revenge for their injuries.

This is a road pic set in the 80s. Eddie Money (no relation) is a Vietnam vet who, in order to save his platoon, pushed Billy Creek onto a bouncing betty. Billy died, and the rest of the platoon lost limbs. Eddie chalked it up to quick thinking, but the court marshall gave him ten years to mull it over. Wolf Beard, a survivor, now leads a gang of prosthetic bikers, male and female, including a few from 'Nam. Hearing about Eddie's release, they quit their carny jobs and take to the road. What Wolf doesn't tell the gang is something only he and Eddie know about Billy Creek. This is an action/comedy, ala, Tarentino.

Thoughts?

Steve Sheppard
Forum Newb

[fletch137]

First off, you call up this "Blake" fella and tell him if you send him a logline, he needs to critique it toot sweet.

Secondly, welcome aboard. I noticed your first post here was a review of someone else's log which, I think, was a great way to introduce yourself. Sort of a "Hello, I'm here to help" post.

As for your logs, I like 'em. More specifically, though:

Atom:
On the surface seems to suffer from too much "magic". There's a pandemic virus AND an apparently unrelated alien. From your synopsis, I'd recommend dropping the virus entirely. You can make an entire movie based on an amnesiac alien arriving to help Earth only to discover that all of his help is actually a pre-programmed plot to destroy humanity.

Something like - "An alien's arrival on Earth brings wondrous advances to mankind, but as the hidden side effects start to mount, his human partners start to question his seeming benevolence."

Mind Over Matter:
Hah! Now that's a great logline. I kind of wish there was a single crime for them to focus on, but the "crimes that may or may not exist" is a great button. Unfortunately, all you have here is a great set-up. You should include some of the threat you mention in your summary into your logline.

"A failed psychic detective joins forces with an FBI applicant to solve a possibly non-existant crime, but the clandestine government agency hunting them proves it's not all just in there heads."

Phantom Limb:
Pepper in a few more facts from your summary and I think this logline is golden. You've got intriguing opponents (just the phrase amputee bikers is worth the ticket price) on a vengeance quest. All you need is something to make the hero as interesting.

"Having finished his jailtime for questionable heroics during the war, a Vietnam veteran finds himself hunted by a gang of amputee bikers seeking revenge for their injuries."

[90Shillings]

Hi Fletch,

I liked your revenge of the goths idea, hope to hear more, and viva Pam Grier.

Re: Atom - In one incarnation, the aliens sent the virus to earth, then Atom mysteriously shows up with the cure, but it costs you your free will. The story takes place in a disease-ridden future. The twist is Atom doesn't know his own purpose until it's well under way. My idea stemmed from Iron Giant re-imagined on a more sinister level and I read about MIT manipulating DNA through radio signals. The result is Body Snatchers meets Independence Day, where humanity is to be kept alive as a slave race. Galt, our greedy hero, will have a change of heart and find a way to reprogram the device to be toxic to Atom's kind, just as they arrive.

M.O.M should focus on one crime, and I think Jane Doe brings it to the table. I like your input, just haven't done much work on this. Blake liked this one though. Maybe it's the one I should be writing - haha.

Phantom Limbs - you're right. This is a questionable hero, and since we know he'll sacrifice someone for the good of others, who knows, he may just do that at the end with Wolf. There is some secret gold that Billy Creek told Eddie about before the mine went off. Eddie passes this along to Wolf in exchange for testimony, but gives only a partial location. Wolf never mentions the gold and uses the gang to help him get to Eddie. I like working with these characters and like to play Van Halen while writing this.

Thanks for the input! I'll be watching for more on your story too.

Steve