I Need Help Spicing Up My ROP (BS2 Included)

Cam_O · Tiger Joined: 05 Jun 2009 Posts: 128 Location: Nebraska

I will try to keep this short. I don't have much energy for writing lately because of college madness, babysitting, teaching, and spending time with family. But I have completed 36 pages of my ROP Swim Star. (It is my first feature length, so that is another excuse for my "snailish" writing.)

I am looking forward to the finale very much. I believe it will be the best part of my screenplay. The only problem is that I am at a point in my screenplay where it doesn't seem that exciting. The first twenty pages earned great reviews from family and friends (false victory?). And I need your help to make sure my audience won't throw their shoes at the television on minute 30!

The last e-mail I received from Blake was him encouraging me to write this story because he said it sounded captivating and ironic. I need to finish this story. I need to keep the audience captivated. I need your help. Any little tidbits of advice will be very appreciated. Like-
"Cameron this story sucks. Back to the drawing board."
That will work. Smile

Swim Star -
After his single mother drowns, a detached high-school senior trains to become a swim star in order to ward off thoughts of suicide.

OPENING IMAGE (1)
Nathan standing alone over a woman's casket. We found out that she is his mother.

THEME STATED (4)
His uncaring psychiatrist says, "Well, forgiveness is the key to happiness. Wouldn't you agree?" Nathan has yet again to deal with a man who doesn't seem to care.

SET-UP (1-12)
Mostly flashbacks while he talks with the psychiatrist. We discover that Nathan's mother, Mary, tries different ways to bring back Nathan's lively spirit. Nathan is depressed before his mother dies. What is making him sad? He only leaves the house to swim at the nearby lake with his mother who used to have seizures regularly and his best friend Travis.

Six things that need fixing:
1) Nathan doesn't know where his father is.
2) Unnecessary depression.
3) Anger towards older men.
4) Avoids small problems.
5) Needs good reasons to live.
6) Only finds comfort in his mother and one friend.

CATALYST (13)
Nathan discovers an eviction notice, threatening homelessness. Mary doesn't want him to worry.

DEBATE (14-24)
How will Nathan deal with this new tragedy? We find out that Nathan is either avoiding his troubles or extremely downtrodden. He comes close to attempting suicide. He talks with his friend Travis about a swimming sponsorship. That way he can get back into swimming and help pay the debts. But Nathan second guesses himself. We also discover that he has a paper route and there is a mysterious house that hasn't picked up their paper in weeks. (Important for later)

BREAK-INTO-TWO (24)
In choppy water, Nathan is racing Travis out to deep water, while Mary follows "safely" behind to watch. She freezes up in a seizure. And submerges. Nathan realizes, and sprints his way to her--but is too late. He wasn't fast enough.

Back to present: the time is up at the meeting with his psychiatrist. Just when Nathan was opening up, the doctor asks him to leave.

Nathan has made up his mind. Initially he wants the Olympic sponsorship to avoid homelessness, but he just can't swallow the fact that he wasn't fast enough to save Mary. Travis stays close to Nathan, encouraging him.

B-STORY (27)
Coach Avery meets Nathan. Coach is Travis' and the school's swim coach.

Coach - hardworking and animated. "...he rolls his eyes jokingly. Face is wrinkled from smiling too much. He wears a Notre Dame hat on his balding scalp. Much too young to be bald, yet much too old to be carrying the Spongebob whistle he has around his neck."

I have the rest of the relay sponsor hopefuls meet each other at Travis' house for a night of poker. Their "last day of freedom" before a rigorous training routine.

Jay - a prideful "swim star" (fastest one on the team) who would love the chance at this sponsorship. He also meets with the school's psychiatrist.
Isaac - meek and strong. Only says something when he thinks it is completely necessary.

This is as far as I have written. On to...

FUN AND GAMES
Training routines. Nathan avoids his crisis moments with more and more exercise. Everything seems as though it is looking up for him. He doesn't need to say anything at his scheduled appointments. He starts dating Angela, the prettiest girl at school. She takes the spot of his mother in a sense. They do some of the same things together. Nathan is sculpting his body and loving it. He's getting along with his teammates, especially Coach Avery.

MIDPOINT
Finally through his rough training, Nathan breaks the pool record.

BAD GUYS CLOSE IN
But things start falling apart. One big one; he loses his home. We see him act strangely. He doesn't show emotion. Only continues to train by sneaking into the pool area, where he now sleeps. He stops confiding in Coach. He turns into a training machine, droned in on his goal. Coach tries to slow Nathan down, so he doesn't work to hard. Coach also discovers Nathan's depression. He tries to talk with him, but Nathan revolts, leaving the pool area and going to stay with Angela, only to find Jay in bed with her. Heartbroken, he returns to Coach's office. He's not there. Nathan, in a fit of rage, breaks his framed family pictures. Coach returns. He doesn't say anything about the mess. Instead, he sits near Nathan and embraces him, asking him to stop this training. Try and return to a normal life. Nathan walks out to swim some more.

ALL IS LOST
...but Coach gives him the news. Travis is dead. Heart attack. Coach follows behind Nathan, who locks himself in a utility closet. Suicide is looming on his heart.

DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL
Nathan opens his bag to get his knife, only to find a note from his mother revealing how important Nathan is to her. He saved her life. After he was conceived, she understood suffering on a deep level. Without a father to care for her child, she felt lost, but followed through anyway. She gave birth to Nathan and didn't regret it. "I pray this note finds you when you most need it." Nathan lets Coach into the office. We discover that the reason Nathan was sad ever since the beginning of the movie was that he is the child of a rape. He has never known his father. He has only known that he "should have never lived". Or so he thinks. Coach realizes what he must do.

BREAK INTO THREE
Nathan needs to forgive and move on. Starting with those that might have hurt him. Nathan agrees. His mother would have wanted this. At the end of the note Mary wrote Nathan's father's address.

Plan to Storm Castle
Nathan and Coach visit Mary's grave for Nathan to build courage.
Nathan gives Travis' eulogy.

Enter the Bad Guys' Fort
Nathan attempts to forgive Angela and Jay
Angela resists. Jay fights him.

It's A Trap!"
Nathan goes to his father's house. The abandoned house on his paper route; can't find his father.
Discovers that his father is in jail across the lake, ordered to be executed early in the morning.

Dig Deep Down
Can't boat across to the island. The docks are closed. He must swim.

Final Battle
Nathan battles the lake, against the storm, through the lake that his mother drowned in.
He faces his father. Finally, he forgives him.

Denouement
Nathan attends his last meeting with the psychiatrist. Nathan is changed. Jay apologizes to Nathan.
Coach Avery offers a place in his home for Nathan.

FINAL IMAGE
Nathan in his new home with Coach. Smiling, he places a picture of Mary in his room.

Thanks for reading! Any boring plot points? Too much to take in? Do you have any ingredients for enhancing my story?

_________________
I am full of ideas.
I just don't know what they are yet.

William · Tiger Joined: 28 Feb 2009 Posts: 169

At first pass this story is strikingly familiar -- Ordinary People.

You will want to try to ensure this is different..the second half takes care of that well, but for the first half it looks a lot like that familiar film.

I think your six things need to be made more concrete...they should be six visual concrete things that will be fixed..not abstract concepts like fixing "unecessary depression"

If you want to show depression is licked...have them throw their pill bottle away or something like that...

Needs good reason to live etc...these are I think too abstract or conceptual...they should be concrete things...

Only finds comfort in his mother and one friend should be

Needs to make a new friend - THIS you can fix in the script...you can't fix comfort - that's a concept

I did read the whole BS..which is a good sign.

I am not sure if this is ROP or Golden Fleece..it seems to border on both...

What is his WRONG way of dealing with his mother's death?

Anger? I would think that's where you were going...?

There's good stuff here, but I think you need to read over STC2 and the ROP section...watch Ordinary People and a few other Separation Passages...I am going to print this up and read it over again more closely...

I think the thing that concerns me most is the idea of him forgiving the man who raped his mother...you need to do something for this guy he's forgiving to redeem him a bit...i can't imagine an audience who would feel good watching a scene of someone forgiving a guy who raped someone...it just feels out of balance...

William · Tiger Joined: 28 Feb 2009 Posts: 169

Jack Skellington · Leopard Joined: 07 Aug 2009 Posts: 26

Why tell everything in flashback? You could include the eviction notice in the set-up, since it'll be a recurring element, and use the mother's death as the catalyst.

I agree with William - right now the plot is far too similar to Ordinary People.

_________________
E.T. phone home!

Cam_O · Tiger Joined: 05 Jun 2009 Posts: 128 Location: Nebraska

Thanks very much for taking the time to read William and Jack!

I do agree that the STTNF should be more specific. And initially I show him in the final image by "throwing away his pills". So it looks more like I should have kept that scene alive.

Life Problem - Doesn't have a father.
Wrong Way - Training to become a swim star, bottling up resentment.
Right Way - Forgiveness.

To redeem the convicted man is part of the finale. I will show a man who regrets his life. And who's going to be killed in the morning. I think we sympathize with him as he says, "Nate, I'd give everything to change what I'd done."

The point where he needs to accept everything and stop trying to become this Olympic star is when his friend dies. That is the moment where he has to take a step back (or a step forward) and with the help of Coach (the B Story) he rids himself of resentment culminating with the swim across a stormy lake.

_________________
I am full of ideas.
I just don't know what they are yet.

William · Tiger Joined: 28 Feb 2009 Posts: 169

I am ok with him leaving the swim team and accepting the past...what I am hesitant about is that you have him USE the SWIMMING in Act III to get to this guy...which kinda suggests that the swimming was a GOOD thing...if swimming was a BAD CHOICE for him, don't use that for his BETTER in Act III...

Look at Ordinary people...the swim team was the WRONG way...and his brother drowned being out in the water..there's irony there...

His brother drowns in the water and he joins the swim team...understandable but at the same time...KEEP AWAY FROM the darn WATER!!!

My point is..if in Act II something is clearly the WRONG way, then don't use it as a solution in Act III..it breaks the logic up completely...

Have him try to swim in act iii and almost DROWN...THAT would be bringing the point home about the wrong way...

martinm · Posted: Fri Oct 16, 2009 11:42 am Post subject:

The "wrong way" in Ordinary People, I think, is not so much the swim team, but Timothy Hutton's character enormous self-blame and guilt for living - for believing wrongly that since he was the weaker of the two brothers, it should of been him that died instead of his older, stronger brother (as his mother seems to confirm every single day that he's around her). Hutton is wrapped in the cocoon of guilt and self-blame, and to be free he must realize the "right way," that is, at least in part, to forgive himself for living, for being, in reality, the stronger of the two brothers, a fact that comes out later in the film.

What makes his journey so difficult, in part, is the horrid obstacle of a mother who resents him for NOT dying (hates him for being the one that lived?) but who's hate is disguised as love.

As noted, the PLOT DEVICE of the swim team fits perfectly because the brother drowned, so Hutton's attempts at swim team - which he actually dislikes - are his attempt at some sort of atonement for the guilt he feels that he can't let go of, and to which he's reminded of, every day.

So the WRONG WAY is one of perception, belief, and occurs at the inner struggle, and the RIGHT WAY occurs at this deepest level, as well. Once Hutton finds and embraces the right way, forgiving himself for being, in reality, the stronger of the two brothers, he can also allow himself to accept his good qualities (so often overlooked by his bitter mother), and also he can forgive himself for the "shame" of being able to perceive how truly dysfunctional the family really is. In the end, his strength is confirmed by forgiving not only himself, but his parents, as well, especially the mother.

WOW, she was scary. :-)

M.

_________________
"Clay. Bill Clay."

Dirk Riptide · Posted: Wed Oct 21, 2009 2:55 am Post subject:

Hi, yes I kind of agree with William. For me, the single most important element of an ROP is the "wrong way" of tackling a life problem. Throwing himself into his swimming training seems like a positive decision. The audience need to sympathise with the main character and pity him and hope that he finds his way down the right path.

One of my scriptwriting students wrote a story recently where a man's brother dies of aids. Consumed by rage his instinct is to exact vengence on his brother's infector. But when he finds the guy, he too is dying and also has a brother who wants to exact vengence on the man who gave his brother aids. He gains acceptence through this new perspective and prevents a vicious circle.

The "wrong way" is integral to what the story is about. In 10 with Dudley Moore - the "wrong way" is entirely pertinent to his life problem. Mid life crisis - he wants to feel young and carefree again.

Does your story have to begin with his mother's death? Maybe we could see their relationship first. She might have been a championship swimmer and he has nothing that he's really good at and no ambition. When she dies, he does what he thinks that she might want, but then realizes that it's not what he wants - or what she wanted. She just wanted him to be happy...maybe.

William · Tiger Joined: 28 Feb 2009 Posts: 169

I am actually going to go out on the limb here a bit...

I am finding each ROP flavour here's LIFE problem is somthing that they hav to LET GO OF

Mid Life Passage - Let go of Life itself - accepting one's age and mortality

Separation passage - Let go of a partner, relative or close friend

Death passage - Let go of the world, or let go of someone else leaving the world

Addiction passage - Let go of the object of addiction - drugs, alcohol, gambling, love affair, shoplifting, whatever

Adolescent Passage - Let go of one's youth

I think we need to focus on that here..or you are going to lose the plot entirely...

How does being on the swim team relate to the LETTING GO of this person's mother?

Are they holding ON to teh SWIM team as an attempt to HOLD ON to their mother?

That's quite primal and easy to grasp by anyone...maybe build on that?

Dirk Riptide · Posted: Tue Oct 27, 2009 10:23 am Post subject:

I'm not sure whether "letting go" is the key here. I think that it is about a character earning the power to accept what they cannot change. It's a tough one. I'm not sure that the swim team is personal enough on its own.

You're right, you have got a potentially good seperation passage on your hands, but I think that you need an appropriate "wrong way" for your ROP to work at its best.

The swim team element certainly does act as a diversion from the pain, but it doesn't really present a lesson in acceptance or letting go.

martinm · Posted: Tue Oct 27, 2009 1:15 pm Post subject:

Maybe - whether you phrase it as letting go of one trapeze bar or grabbing the one ahead, what remains the same - at some point the plot must function to close off all options that allow ROP character to resist change. The focus is on CHANGE. The last thing the charcter wants to do is change. It's painful, and he knows it. So he invents ways to keep from changing. The wrong way looks like the right way, but in reality, it functions to close off all options. He MUST change, because now, there's no place left to go. Of course, he hates it.

Here's a real "subtle" example:

"I GOT NO WHERE ELSE TO GO!!!!
Richard Gere - Officer and a Gentleman.

Smile

If you focus on that similar moment in your story, the moment when the character realizes he must change, or die, it will take you where you need to go, given your particular plot.

_________________
"Clay. Bill Clay."

Dirk Riptide · Posted: Thu Oct 29, 2009 10:06 am Post subject:

Bang on martinm. I couldn't agree more. Good analysis.

Cam_O · Tiger Joined: 05 Jun 2009 Posts: 128 Location: Nebraska

Wonderful, wonderful insights people!

Your thoughts have either provided insight on how to improve my story or reinforce the good news that my story is somewhat solid. Martin, I do believe that it is primal to desperately search for some accomplishment like sporting achievement and it can become the wrong way if it is selfish, needed to bottle up resentment of his father never being around.

The Last thing my character wants to do is forgive his father. But through his mother and B-Story example, he learns it's the only way to move on peacefully.

And that moment where he knows he must change is of course the All is Lost, where his Swimming Sponsorship dreams are crushed and he must look back on his life and what he has left; resentment.

_________________
I am full of ideas.
I just don't know what they are yet.

	Save the Cat Community Forum Index » Loglines & Beat Sheets	All times are GMT - 5 Hours
Page 1 of 1