Logline Help Needed for "Broken"

Chim_Richels · Cat Joined: 05 Jul 2009 Posts: 12

TITLE: Broken

LOGLINE: When a recent widower begins experiences chest pains, he is told that he is literally dying from a broken and has six months to rediscover his happiness or face certain death.

It needs work I know. I want to be tonally similar to "Eternal Sunshine" and "Lars and the Real Girl".

Thanks in advance.

P.S. I dreamed this last night. I went to the doctor and he told me I was dying of a broken heart.

gc_bevan · Posted: Mon Sep 21, 2009 7:05 pm Post subject:

The basic concept sounds interesting, but the logline focuses almost entirely on the set-up. What must the hero do to rediscover happiness? That will be the bulk of the movie and should get more emphasis in the logline.

Also, please explain how your story mixes a broken heart (an emotional problem) with a sick heart (a medical problem). A clever combination of these problems could be very good.

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Just keep writing, baby...

Mike Rinaldi · Posted: Mon Sep 21, 2009 10:30 pm Post subject:

The "gc" in gc_bevan stands for Good Cop. I'm going to be the bad cop.

Let's say a lit manager or development exec is reading through the board looking for writers with good movie ideas. They come across a logline that has a great concept, but it's missing entire words, has extraneous words, and glaring grammatical errors. It's bad enough that the logline was posted like that, but even worse, the poster did not take the time to reread and edit his post. They move on. If you didn't take enough care to even post a coherent sentence, they know they don't want to work with you.

The point: being unprofessional isn't helping. Take the time to read and edit your posts. Not just for yourself, but also out of consideration for people like Greg who are taking the time to help you craft your logline.

By the way, Greg is right, it's mostly set up. You have a ticking heart and a ticking clock, which is great. But he needs an additional antagonistic force besides the clock and a more tangible goal as well. And again in agreement with Greg, figure out a way to corelate the medical and the emotional, that's the other half of your battle won.

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Chim_Richels · Cat Joined: 05 Jul 2009 Posts: 12

Mike,

I don't think there's really any reason to be rude on these forums just because I misspellled a word or left a word out. I don't come here for that. If it makes you feel better about yourself then that's fine. Whatever helps you sleep at night.

GC,

I appreciate your feedback. I'm working on restructuring the logline right now and will post it when it's finished.

Thanks again.

Ralph Dobbins · Posted: Tue Sep 22, 2009 1:03 pm Post subject:

http://savethecat.informe.com/viewtopic.php?t=1363 Wink

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The task of the writer is to make you hear, to make you feel- it is, before all, to make you see. That - and no more, and it is everything.
Joseph Conrad

gc_bevan · Posted: Tue Sep 22, 2009 1:07 pm Post subject:

In Mike's defense - and echoing his post that Ralph pointed to - it's important to know that new writers really have to shine to attract attention. Readers, agents and directors search through mountains of material in the search for creativity and quality, and almost any reason to say "no" is quickly seized upon. The sad part is, you'll almost never learn why they didn't like your script -- they're just too busy.

All this means that your materials - logline, synopsis, first page, first ten pages - should be as close to perfect as humanly possible. A misspelling on page 68 won't kill the deal, but a poor first impression is usually fatal.

_________________
Just keep writing, baby...

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