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Logline: The Everglades (MITH)

 
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sek505
Cat


Joined: 25 Jul 2015
Posts: 14
Location: FL, USA

PostPosted: Thu Jul 06, 2017 6:28 pm    Post subject: Logline: The Everglades (MITH) Reply with quote #50282

I posted a similar idea to this about a year ago, and finally got back to it and started developing it further. The previous feedback I received was very helpful! I still have some issues with the logline and the fact that it's a MITH, so any feedback is much appreciated!

Logline: A grieving nurse recruits her estranged friends on a trek into the Everglades to find her missing son, but are attacked by indigenous predators and must escape before an approaching hurricane pummels the region.


So, basically what the protag and her friends uncover is this ancient tribe of isolated humans that, after I did some research, could exist in small numbers. I loved that idea. The Everglades are expansive enough that they could hide/house a small tribe on one of its islands. They are the "indigenous predators," in the logline (obviously) but I'm not sure I like calling them "predators." My second issue is that I'm not sure if I want to keep the "hurricane" section of the logline, although it is the ticking clock. I'm just not sure if it makes it too long/too complicated.

Lastly, I am having issues describing this as a MITH, but I don't know what other genre to use. I do have the house (The Everglades), but the monster is supposed to be supernatural, and these indigenous people are not actually supernatural. Also, I was having an issue with the sin. The story deals with the idea that anyone who becomes trapped in the grief cycle are essentially doomed.

My idea was having the sin as the protag not letting-go of her son, even though everyone pretty much knows he's dead. But then, I was thinking the sin could also be the fact that her son wandered into this indigenous tribe's territory and did not respect them or their land, so his mother is now paying for his sin. I'm not sure if these are too convoluted.

Anyways, any feedback would be much appreciated.

Thanks guys!


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dawilliam
Bengal Tiger


Joined: 20 Oct 2015
Posts: 206
Location: London

PostPosted: Fri Sep 01, 2017 4:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote #50320

Quote:
Logline: A grieving nurse recruits her estranged friends on a trek into the Everglades to find her missing son, but are attacked by indigenous predators and must escape before an approaching hurricane pummels the region.


Sounds like a movie I'd like to see. But not sure its a MITH.

Its definitely a GF story - ROAD, TEAM PRIZE. The prize being finding her son.

I'd rework the logline, a log line should have a flawed protagonist, an antagonist and an ironic goal.

Perhaps the protagonist is separated, and must reconcile with her husband to find their lost son. The son, may have left home, because of his parents separation and become lost. In finding their son, they re-unite their family.

So, what about...

Divorced female therapist struggles to track down her runaway son, when she becomes trapped in the everglades by an hidden ancient tribe


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RobbRoss
Liger


Joined: 04 Jan 2012
Posts: 1524

PostPosted: Fri Sep 01, 2017 3:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote #50322

I don't recall seeing this before today. Good start.

The first concern that sticks out is that there are too many hooks or things happening. To keep it simple, I can see a story (Nature Problem) about the mother dealing with natural threats, like the weather and animals. Definitely not the ancient tribe. And I can see a story (MITH) about the mother battling the tribe (and natural things to a smaller extent because of the location). Since the isolated humans sound like the element that really excites you, I'll comment mostly on that.

Quote:
A grieving nurse


Grieving is superfluous when the logline states that her son is missing.

Is nurse the best choice for her career? Wouldn't it be more difficult if she didn't have the skills to dress a wound and such? Or instead of mentioning the career even if it's not a nurse, is there something about her character or background that makes the adventure more difficult or dramatic?

Quote:
recruits her estranged friends


Clumsy. While some form of conflict with her friends is expected and needed, saying estranged is odd, as if she doesn't have one friend she's on good terms with. And if they're estranged, would they really risk their lives? I assume there's inherent danger. Unless the issue can be stated with a word or two, this detail might be better left for the script.

I take it she has to recruit them because the police and/or coast guard can't cover enough ground. Is that correct?

Quote:
I'm not sure I like calling them "predators."


Right. More dramatic if they're defending themselves in some way than merely killing for the sake of it.

Quote:
My second issue is that I'm not sure if I want to keep the "hurricane" section of the logline,


Right again. The hurricane might work as an escalation late in the script, but it would be a distraction before then, which means the logline shouldn't mention it. Keep the focus on the tribe.

Quote:
the monster is supposed to be supernatural,


Wrong. Doublecheck GTTM and look at similar horror movies, like The Descent and As Above So Below. Lost tribes and unknown humans have been done before so what's really new here is the setting and the particulars of the tribe.

Quote:
the sin could also be the fact that her son wandered into this indigenous tribe's territory and did not respect them or their land


That's a classic sin so it can certainly work. Perhaps you'll come up with a new angle or fresh take on this sin, but it's good that you realize the protag doesn't have to be the one to sin.


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dawilliam
Bengal Tiger


Joined: 20 Oct 2015
Posts: 206
Location: London

PostPosted: Mon Sep 04, 2017 6:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote #50325

Quote:
The first concern that sticks out is that there are too many hooks or things happening. To keep it simple, I can see a story (Nature Problem) about the mother dealing with natural threats, like the weather and animals. Definitely not the ancient tribe. And I can see a story (MITH) about the mother battling the tribe (and natural things to a smaller extent because of the location). Since the isolated humans sound like the element that really excites you, I'll comment mostly on that.


As a MITH I can see it being about the lost tribe, and the sin of her son in not respecting nature etc.. If his mother did not commit the SIN, then she is of less interest as a character I think. So I can see it working as a WHYDUNNIT - the mother is the DETECTIVE uncovering the SECRET of her sons kidnap and the DARK TURN involves this hidden tribe. So you still have the SIN of her son, but the mother remains the protagonist.


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RobbRoss
Liger


Joined: 04 Jan 2012
Posts: 1524

PostPosted: Mon Sep 04, 2017 11:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote #50326

Plenty of successful MITHs have a protag who is not the sinner so I'm surprised this keeps coming up. The only time a MITH protag is less interesting for not sinning is when the writer writes a plain character (or a director or producer changes a good character on paper).


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dawilliam
Bengal Tiger


Joined: 20 Oct 2015
Posts: 206
Location: London

PostPosted: Tue Sep 05, 2017 4:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote #50328

Quote:
Plenty of successful MITHs have a protag who is not the sinner so I'm surprised this keeps coming up. The only time a MITH protag is less interesting for not sinning is when the writer writes a plain character (or a director or producer changes a good character on paper).


Ah yes, this is true. Jurassic Park is a good example. Dr Grant is one of the main protagonists, but it is Hammond who commits the sin - not respecting nature. Dr Grant's transformation revolves around his dislike of children, and his goal is to get funding for his research, which is his catalyst.

http://www.savethecat.com/beat-sheets/the-jurassic-park-beat-sheet


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