Log in Register FAQ Memberlist Search Save the Cat Community Forum Index

Lost (horror drama)

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Save the Cat Community Forum Index » Loglines & Beat Sheets
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Moreir09
Kitten


Joined: 14 Mar 2017
Posts: 4

PostPosted: Tue Mar 14, 2017 6:42 pm    Post subject: Lost (horror drama) Reply with quote #49874

Logline:

When a young women loses a family member she loses faith in life. As she sleeps a mysterious figure starts to appear in her dreams to comfort this dilemma.


Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
James Patrick Joyce
Liger


Joined: 24 Apr 2013
Posts: 1108

PostPosted: Tue Mar 14, 2017 8:06 pm    Post subject: Re: Lost (horror drama) Reply with quote #49875

Moreir09 wrote:
Logline:

When a young women loses a family member she loses faith in life. As she sleeps a mysterious figure starts to appear in her dreams to comfort this dilemma.


Welcome! Everything is constructive, in intent!

There's no story, there.

She loses a family member (I assume either at the very opening or even before the movie starts). Why so vague? The family member would be more impactful and informative, than the general hint. At least, in a logline.

Why would the loss of a cousin cause her to lose faith in life? (Unless you held back info that is needed, to understand the story you are pitching) Again, I assume this is first act, probably early fist act.

Then, what I can only assume is the bulk of the movie, a figure in her dreams makes everything better. While she's sleeping. The end?

We need to know (this is a basic set-up):

WHO the protagonist is. Generally a good adjective-noun combination, minimal extra is needed. We just need to know who she is and her connection to the story. Let the adjective describe an aspect of her which is relevant to the story, if possible.

WHAT her goal is. The thing that SHE will spend the majority of the movie accomplishing/pursuing. In the logline, you made her a background figure and the dream guy acts like the protagonist, for the latter half of the story. It sounded confused. Focus on that one thing that she pursues.

The MAIN OBSTACLE which prevents her from achieving her goal and ending the movie, early. The thing which either constantly or intentionally gets in the way or tries to stop her.

STAKES. What happens, if she fails? These can be implied, by the rest.



_________________
“Bad artists always admire each other's work. They call it being large-minded and free from prejudice. ”
― Oscar Wilde
http://www.twoadverbs.com/logline.pdf
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Moreir09
Kitten


Joined: 14 Mar 2017
Posts: 4

PostPosted: Tue Mar 14, 2017 8:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote #49876

James thank you for your feedback I will work on the that to develop the log line with a better focus.


Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
James Patrick Joyce
Liger


Joined: 24 Apr 2013
Posts: 1108

PostPosted: Tue Mar 14, 2017 9:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote #49877

You're welcome.



_________________
“Bad artists always admire each other's work. They call it being large-minded and free from prejudice. ”
― Oscar Wilde
http://www.twoadverbs.com/logline.pdf
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Bryan Reeves
Laza-tiger


Joined: 23 Feb 2010
Posts: 1425
Location: Central Illinois

PostPosted: Wed Mar 15, 2017 12:56 pm    Post subject: Re: Lost (horror drama) Reply with quote #49878

Moreir09 wrote:
Logline:

When a young women loses a family member she loses faith in life. As she sleeps a mysterious figure starts to appear in her dreams to comfort this dilemma.


By the subject title I presume your story is a Monster In The House. To help you focus on the logline, indicate in some way the Sin that the Monster is out to punish.

Work to make the next version of the logline into one sentence, and 30 words or less.



_________________
"The standard doesn't change."-Mike Tomlin
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Moreir09
Kitten


Joined: 14 Mar 2017
Posts: 4

PostPosted: Thu Mar 16, 2017 4:30 pm    Post subject: Re: Lost (horror drama) Reply with quote #49879

Updated log line:

When Stephanie finds herself coping with the lost of her grandmother a mysterious man starts to appear in her dreams to offer her peace through her hardship. Little does she know this man has a different deal in mind her soul.

This is for a short film I want to do. This is my first time doing something like this and I am determine to make this short film. Thank you to anyone who responds I appreciate your help.


Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Bryan Reeves
Laza-tiger


Joined: 23 Feb 2010
Posts: 1425
Location: Central Illinois

PostPosted: Thu Mar 16, 2017 8:29 pm    Post subject: Re: Lost (horror drama) Reply with quote #49880

Moreir09 wrote:
Updated log line:

When Stephanie finds herself coping with the lost of her grandmother a mysterious man starts to appear in her dreams to offer her peace through her hardship. Little does she know this man has a different deal in mind her soul.


In a logline, we don't care about character names.

Find ways to shorten your version. Here's just one way...

A woman who's exhausted all attempts to quell her grief struggles with a figure appearing in only her dreams offering her solace for her soul.

Now, tell me what makes this woman's struggle so ironic that I want to see this story. Is she religious and wavers in her faith in a God? Is she atheist and questions the existence of any supernatural being, and her own soul? Is she the child or a member of a race of supernatural beings, and doesn't realize it? Give me something that catches my attention.

If I were a producer, what in this logline tells me I could market the film and make money?

If I were a director, what in this logline gives me a vision for a story that I want to tell?

If I were an actor, what in this logline persuades me there's enough conflict and turmoil that I can show my skills?

If I had a choice to pay to see this in a theater, what in this logline would convince me this is something I'm going to tell my friends they need to see this film?



_________________
"The standard doesn't change."-Mike Tomlin
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
RobbRoss
Liger


Joined: 04 Jan 2012
Posts: 1469

PostPosted: Fri Mar 17, 2017 8:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote #49881

Howdy, Mor.

The second logline is better. Now for the third try to paint the picture of what happens in most of the story. Who is the mysterious man and what does he do? Be specific, he might be mysterious in his first scene or moment, but who is he really? Even if there's a twist at the very end, the logline should reveal the detail of who we think he is until the twist.

Another specific, tell us Steph's age, which can be a small range, like college-age. "Young" is too wide a range.


Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
RobbRoss
Liger


Joined: 04 Jan 2012
Posts: 1469

PostPosted: Fri Mar 17, 2017 8:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote #49882

And what the protag attempts to stop the man.


Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Moreir09
Kitten


Joined: 14 Mar 2017
Posts: 4

PostPosted: Tue Mar 21, 2017 11:57 am    Post subject: 3rd attempted Reply with quote #49885

Log line: A religious teenager struggles with the lost of her grandmother when a mysterious figure appears to haunt her dreams with an offer she can't refuse.


Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
RobbRoss
Liger


Joined: 04 Jan 2012
Posts: 1469

PostPosted: Wed Mar 22, 2017 9:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote #49887

The protag's description is better, but the questions about the rest remain and it's hard to tell why they're not being answered...stubborness or a noob going through typical struggles or what.

The logline at this point of the process is to nail the fundamentals of the story and to test the appeal of it. Much of the former is still lacking and the latter is impossible until the former is completed.

If the figure is a mystery until the end, then he should remain a mystery in the logline. If not, specify him. Even if he is a mystery, the offer should be clear. Like in Indecent Proposal, the offer is the hook. Everything in the logline should combine to paint a picture of what happens in most of the story. How does the girl react? What happens between the offer and ending? How does her being religious play a role? Etc.

It may be more helpful to answer outside of a logline in short sentences, then we can help you fit the key info into a logline.

If the next reply is similar with questions unanswered and half the logline vague, then you'll understand why I don't offer further comments.


Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
James Patrick Joyce
Liger


Joined: 24 Apr 2013
Posts: 1108

PostPosted: Wed Mar 22, 2017 2:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote #49888

RobbRoss wrote:
The protag's description is better, but the questions about the rest remain and it's hard to tell why they're not being answered...stubborness or a noob going through typical struggles or what.


My guess is that it's because the logline isn't be rewritten, it's being edited. Slightly.

My reasoning is the phrase, "the lost of her grandmother". When I saw this error repeated, I assumed a lack of attention to details. The first time, I didn't bother mentioning it. The second time, I lost interest.

Moreir09: lots of writers are more casual about their loglines than they should be. As a result, they get frustrated, wondering why the loglines never seem to work.

Take your time. And rewrite each logline, rather than editing it.

And remember (always remember) that every word counts, in a logline.

Seriously.

Every word counts.



_________________
“Bad artists always admire each other's work. They call it being large-minded and free from prejudice. ”
― Oscar Wilde
http://www.twoadverbs.com/logline.pdf
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Bryan Reeves
Laza-tiger


Joined: 23 Feb 2010
Posts: 1425
Location: Central Illinois

PostPosted: Thu Mar 23, 2017 7:50 am    Post subject: Re: 3rd attempted Reply with quote #49889

Moreir09 wrote:
Log line: A religious teenager struggles with the lost of her grandmother when a mysterious figure appears to haunt her dreams with an offer she can't refuse.


I'm guessing the mysterious figure offers the girl in exchange for her soul (from your previous comments and not this logline) the opportunity to be with her grandmother again. If so, that leads me to think the theme you want to tell the world is to find our own way to process grief.

When I write loglines I write the theme at the top of a page. I try to incorporate the theme into the logline, because I think this answers a lot of questions. I describe the protagonist in a way that indicates how far away they are from learning the lesson of the theme. The protagonist's goal hints at something related to the theme. The theme helps clarify the antagonistic force. Finally, the consequences relate to the theme in a way that show the transformation of the protagonist.

As Robb and James wrote, write many different variations of the logline. I force myself, even when I think I have a good logline, to write at least 20 variations. Each time I review the logline for relevance to the theme -yes, I'm "theme-centric". Then I concentrate on the description of the protagonist. Then I move on to the goal, the opposition and the risk.

Answer these questions for yourself in the loglines:
What type of person is best to demonstrate transformation in learning the theme?
What would be a goal that relates to the theme, both as a physical, tangible goal, and an emotional, internal, soul-ful goal?
What would be the strongest opposition to the physical goal that also helps teach the internal goal?

The answers to these help bring your story into focus for you.

In this version of your logline, you could drop "appears to" without changing the meaning of the sentence. The phrase "an offer she can't refuse" is too vague. The phrase also muddies the story: is this mysterious figure in the mob, or does it have so much control the girl can't do anything but accept?



_________________
"The standard doesn't change."-Mike Tomlin
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
RobbRoss
Liger


Joined: 04 Jan 2012
Posts: 1469

PostPosted: Thu Mar 23, 2017 10:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote #49891

My last post would've been slightly different had I recalled the "soul" part. I'll ramble a little to hopefully touch on what's being attempted.

Does the man offer to take the girl's soul so she can die and be with her grandmother? What's special about the protag-grandmother relationship that makes her even consider this offer? Even if grandma is the protag's best friend or like a mother, what kind of statement is it that the girl considers joining her in the afterlife? That's not the power of love and not a relatable form of misguided love.

Is the religious part meant to say that the protag struggles with the offer mainly on moral grounds?

The other questions remain!


Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Save the Cat Community Forum Index » Loglines & Beat Sheets All times are GMT - 5 Hours
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


© 2007-2008 Informe.com. Get Free Forum Hosting
Powered by phpBB © 2001- 2004 phpBB Group
 :: 
Theme created by phpBBStyles.com | Themes Database