Monster In the House

Joel · Cougar Joined: 20 Dec 2007 Posts: 70 Location: USA

Here's an idea for your consideration;

With his life in shambles, a disgraced scientist accepts a risky job to search for Spanish bullion and travels with a motley crew to a strange Caribbean island, but when dead conquistadors arise to protect the gold, he must learn to be a team player, before he loses everything and stop a greedy rival treasure hunter from stealing the booty.

What works, what doesn't? Needs a title, any brilliant ideas?

Thanks,
Joel

crazrick · Liger Joined: 28 Mar 2008 Posts: 780

forget 'life in shambles' vaguery, hit us with what cost him his life, as it connects to his selfish greed... that way you don't need to mention his need to become a team player, it is implied, and we get more detail...

why does a scientist care about lost pirate treasure? that bit of detail into his character would help... especially if his science is some how connected to the dead and/or undead... need more cowbell!

as for titles

INTO THE BLUE 3: ISLAND OF THE DAMNED

Smile

gots some meat on the bone, just needs a bit more time over the coals, methinks...

write on!
Cool

Joel · Cougar Joined: 20 Dec 2007 Posts: 70 Location: USA

Revised and improved;

After the accidental drowning of his wife, a disgraced salvage expert accepts a risky job to search for Spanish bullion and travels with a motley crew to a strange Caribbean island, where dead conquistadors arise to protect the gold and he must stop a greedy treasure hunter from stealing the booty.

Searching for a title.

fletch137 · Posted: Sun May 24, 2009 12:50 am Post subject:

Wow! What a revision! Great job focusing on some really compelling ideas.

My only question is, is the greedy treasure hunter his boss? Does he have second thoughts about helping them when confronted with the ghostly guardians? Or is that another group of treasure hunters trying to steal their claim?

Since they're already facing the challenge of the ghosts/zombies, bringing another group of treasure hunters into it feels unecessary. Either the zombie-ghosts aren't enough of a threat to worry about, 'cause this other group is the main opposition, or the other group is just a speed bump to the real challenge of fighting the zombies. Unless the hero's boss is the greedy treasure hunter, in which case I need to know why the change of heart.

For the title, I was thinking you might use some Spanish, describing the gold fleet or whatever vernacular they used for their at-sea gold train (ie Oro del Mar or something not as dumb). When I went to look it up on the interwebs to see if there was such a phrase, I found this interesting passage:

Joel · Cougar Joined: 20 Dec 2007 Posts: 70 Location: USA

Some good points which made me revise my revision;

After the accidental drowning of his wife, a disgraced salvage expert accepts a risky job to search for Spanish bullion with a motley crew off the coast of a strange Caribbean island, where he must stop a rival treasure hunter until undead conquistadors arise to protect the gold.

The undead must be the main opposition. Treasure hunter as mentioned is his rival, thinking both will eventually have to team up and after undead returned to dead-dom the hunter will try to double-cross our hero, in yet another twist and turn in our yarn.

I think a Spanish title is confusing to Americans, me included! Something like...

Backstory: Cortez steals Aztec gold and assigns trustworthy General to protect and return to Spain. Ship sinks off coast of Caribbean island where wild-eyed Islander tells of cursed gold protected by undead conquistadors, man-eating sharks, and the practice of Voodoo. Anyway, the exotic island atmosphere itself is a character, gold located off the island's coast and is obtainable.

Funny thing is I initially envisioned this as a tongue-in-cheek action film like The Mummy and Pirates of the Caribbean.

Thanks for the help,
Joel

fletch137 · Posted: Sun May 24, 2009 4:54 pm Post subject:

That all makes sense. Instead of saying "stop" the other treasure hunter, how about if he just has to race him. The "stop" seems so final that it just has to be the goal of the film.

I also wonder if the motely crew part is necessary. I can't tell if your logline benefits from it, and it just seems to burden your sentence with an extra prepositional phrase. You're the only one who knows how important that crew is to your story, though, but that's my impression.

I only meant Spanish as the name of the ship. Like 'Amistad'. Perhaps something straight forward like "Treasure Fleet" or "Cortez's Gold"?

As an aside, did you know El Dorado was a person and not a place? That fascinates me too.

Joel · Cougar Joined: 20 Dec 2007 Posts: 70 Location: USA

Usually like to include the B Story, but I can live with this;

After the accidental drowning of his wife, a disgraced salvage expert accepts a risky job to search for Spanish bullion off the coast of a strange Caribbean island, where he races a rival treasure hunter until undead conquistadors arise to protect the gold.

B Story will probably be a beautiful oceanographer or something. Got to throw a hot babe in a bikini in the mix.

Isn't El Dorado a Cadillac? Smile

Mike Rinaldi · Posted: Tue May 26, 2009 1:37 am Post subject:

Good revision and I'm glad your protag is no longer a scientist.

"Scientist" is an extremely vague word, really. I think there is an unofficial rule that if your protagonist is just a scientist and not in any specific field, the reader will assume you have no idea what you're writing and will read no further than your logline.

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Carl Thoren · Leopard Joined: 17 May 2009 Posts: 39 Location: Beijing

What if the treasure-hunting company your hero joins was all women in bikinis? So he's the only guy...

npfox1 · Cat Joined: 05 May 2009 Posts: 14 Location: Inglewood, CA

Everyone, I'd like to introduce you to Carl, the reincarnation of Russ Meyer. In all of Carl's movies, he writes in a Save the Pussycat scene.

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Carl Thoren · Leopard Joined: 17 May 2009 Posts: 39 Location: Beijing

Npfox1, thank you for the good laugh!

I was semi-serious, because I think the love-story as B story has become such a cliché, that it almost ruins a movie for me, bogging the story down in predictability and triteness. Are there any love stories that have an explosion-filled B story about saving the world? Might make a nice change.

martinm · Posted: Wed May 27, 2009 11:19 pm Post subject:

Hi Joel,

I like your basic idea but I'm a bit confused about two things - (1) the wife thing, including his being disgraced - and (2) why he accepts the risky job. As for the wife thing, is the point that you want him to be somewhat "incapable" as a salvage hunter, or that he has some fault that might have caused his wife's drowning? Regardless, the mention of the wife in the logline makes me think a good bit of the film, or at least some significant part of the story, has to do with his struggle to overcome her death, or to figure out something about himself that might have caused it. If that's not where you're going, do you think you need to mention the wife, at all, in the logline, and instead merely focus on the main character and the quality associated with him that's in play? Second, I think you could up the stakes in the logline if you were to somehow incorporate why he has to accept the job. And he must, because that's his only chance to...whatever you decide. He's desperate, right?

You have, "After the accidental death of his wife...
This spins it another way - "An inept salvage hunter with one last chance to...
And another - "An ____ salvage hunter struggling to keep a promise to his dead wife is tempted by one last chance for ____.

Just some ideas - as I say, your idea is a good one, in my opinion.

Rachel T. · Ocelot Joined: 15 Jan 2008 Posts: 812 Location: Michigan

Maybe the wife divorced him, and since her daddy owns the salvaging company the guy works for, he's up the creek in both directions. He takes this new job at first as a way to impress her, or while he's feeling sorry for himself, then realizes he's in it for more than he bargained for. He wouldn't even have to win her back at the end - it's enough for her leaving him to be the catalyst, but the actual debate could be over something else.

Demoted when his third consecutive job goes horribly wrong, a deep-sea salvage diver takes a crap job searching for a medieval Spanish galleon. But when the ancient ship's cursed sailors begin attacking the crew, he must reclaim his place as captain if he's to save them all.

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crazrick · Liger Joined: 28 Mar 2008 Posts: 780

YA! Rachel's spin gives it kinda a PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN meets THE ABYSS twist...

me likey!

Joel · Cougar Joined: 20 Dec 2007 Posts: 70 Location: USA

All wonderfully helpful ideas.

I envisioned that the salvage guy caused the drowning of his wife. He pushed the team and himself to the point of exhaustion and this faulty decision cost him his wife. Perhaps disgraced isn't the proper word.

The salvage guy doesn't join a company. A shady antiquities collector funds the trip with him salvage guy in the lead position. Salvage guy is desperate and even though he doesn't want to take the job, he financially has to. Instead of disgraced call him desperate in logline. Love interest put in the same spot as salvage guy's dead wife. His transformation is he's going to have to learn to do it differently this time.

Thanks for the input,
Joel

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