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trick2309
Cub
Joined: 15 Aug 2012
Posts: 5
Location: London, UK
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 Posted: Thu Aug 16, 2012 10:40 am Post subject: Over Night - Dude with a Problem |
 #38692 |
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Hello All,
Here is my current logline for a short film I plan to write. It's my first attempt at screenwriting, but don't hold back!
TITLE: Over Night
LOGLINE: On a work trip away an ambitious reporter sacrifices his biggest career opportunity ever to win the heart of his dream girl, who is supposed to be reviewing the hotel they meet in.
Thanks in advance for any thoughts,
Richard.
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Mike Rinaldi
Battle Cat
Joined: 19 Nov 2007
Posts: 3881
Location: California
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| Posted: Thu Aug 16, 2012 10:41 pm Post subject: |
#38703 |
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| It sounds cute, but the logline doesn't properly convey the obstacles. And what makes this a DWAP instead of a BL or a GF?
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trick2309
Cub
Joined: 15 Aug 2012
Posts: 5
Location: London, UK
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| Posted: Fri Aug 17, 2012 3:39 am Post subject: |
#38709 |
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Thanks for your reply, Mike. Rather than explain myself, I've had another crack at the logline to see if answers your question about the obstacle a bit better. What do you think?
On a work trip away an ambitious reporter sacrifices his biggest career move and pisses the boss off to track down his dream girl who goes missing after their date.
It's definitely not BL, because the lead guy and gal are not complicit in the journey or overcoming the obstacles together. I've tried to clarify that in the logline above. The argument for it to be a GF is valid, but I figured that it's not an epic' enough journey to warrant this genre. Perhaps GF doesn't have to be, though?
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MyEvilTwin
Siberian Tiger
Joined: 28 Apr 2010
Posts: 423
Location: Enköping, Sweden
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| Posted: Fri Aug 17, 2012 7:38 am Post subject: |
#38713 |
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In a DWaP the troubles are heaped on the Dude's shoulder through no fault of his own. If he passes up a career opportunity and pisses his boss off, then I'd say it's his own damned fault. Basically not a DWaP then.
But it doesn't sound bad enough to be a Fool Triumphant either.
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Hollywood crAZRick
Snarky Cat
Joined: 28 Mar 2008
Posts: 1645
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| Posted: Fri Aug 17, 2012 10:45 am Post subject: |
#38714 |
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I can see DWAP, if the love interest doesn't share equal time and complimentary opposite Buddy Love story stuff with the lead, but only if her disappearance ties back into the story of his career, which should be better fleshed out in the logline. It looks like you are hiding the ball about the story of the reporter's career. Don't do that.
consider the logline for Die Hard, a great DWAP
| Code: | | to reconcile with his wife, estranged NYPD detective must rescue her from terrorist thieves holed up in a LA skyscraper. |
20 words
the goals and stakes and obstacles are obvious
now, look at your efforts:
| Code: | | On a work trip away an ambitious reporter sacrifices his biggest career opportunity ever to win the heart of his dream girl, who is supposed to be reviewing the hotel they meet in. |
33 words, half of them wasted hiding your balls.
| Code: | | On a work trip away an ambitious reporter sacrifices his biggest career move and pisses the boss off to track down his dream girl who goes missing after their date. |
30 words
everything is vague except the set-up, girl missing after a date.
'work trip away' and 'biggest career move' are vague, waste of words
'pisses off the boss' is redundant, after mention of sacrificing his career
maybe something like:
| Code: | | OVER NIGHT-- To get the scoop of the century, an ambitious paparazi races to rescue his celebrity crush from the triad sex-slave traders who've abducted her hours before press time. |
you don't really even need the 'scoop of the century' bit:
| Code: | | OVER NIGHT-- hours before press time, an ambitious paparazi races to rescue his celebrity crush from the triad sex-slave traders who've abducted her. |
even 'hours before press time' just sets the ticking clock, so the absolute basic nuts-and-bolts of my version of your vision might be:
| Code: | | OVER NIGHT-- an ambitious paparazi races to rescue his celebrity crush from the triad sex-slave traders who've abducted her. |
19 words, including title and very specific details.
so, just plug-in whatever the actual details of your story are, without the vague bits, and tell the tale.
remember my motto: Don't hide your balls.
I got arrested defending that motto one time... ok, twice...   
write on!
 _________________ Snarky is the new Black... with a VAMPIRE! ;-)
www.jeffkitchen.com for all your outlining Q&A... it's tight! and tighter is righter! right?... with a VAMPIRE! |
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Thor's Hammer
Liger
Joined: 01 Dec 2010
Posts: 674
Location: Ft Lauderdale, FL
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| Posted: Fri Aug 17, 2012 1:53 pm Post subject: |
#38717 |
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Rick's the master.
He never hides his balls, that's for sure.
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Mike Rinaldi
Battle Cat
Joined: 19 Nov 2007
Posts: 3881
Location: California
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| Posted: Fri Aug 17, 2012 4:47 pm Post subject: |
#38727 |
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| Far be it from Rick to hide his balls.
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