SIBLINGS Beat Sheet

Felicia · Puma Joined: 19 Aug 2009 Posts: 92

This is just a sketch for a Beat Sheet for this story. I know there are problems but right now I'm stuck.
Would very much appreciate your comments!

Genre: Rite Of Passage

LOGLINE: After inheriting an ugly house from her career oriented mother, a reclusive teacher's plans to erase her memory by renovating the house are disrupted by the arrival of her bohemian siblings.

Opening Image: The heroine (in her fourties) hugs her 18-year-old son goodbye when he’s moving from home to share an apartment with his friends. She watches them drive away. Lonely.

Theme Stated: She’s working as a high school teacher, struggling with huge problems in her class. She’s even afraid of some of her pupils, but can’t tell anyone. At a coffee break one of her colleagues asks about the summer house the heroine and her siblings inherited from her mother. The colleague says something like ”Siblings is the best gift one can have in life.” But the heroine doesn’t agree – she has nothing in common with her brother and sister. The three of them have at last together made the decision to sell the house, one year after their mother’s death.

The Set-up: She’s living a lonely and reclusive life which is completely ”dead”. She’s tortured by memories of her mother but have no-one to share the pain with. Her siblings are both much more successful in life, so seeing them makes her feel like a worthless loser. She misses her son but understands he wants to be with his friends now.

Catalyst: She has problems with a pupil and talks to his father about it, but the father puts the blame on her and refuses to do anything. She gets secretely attracted to the father and has to hide her strong feelings carefully. The next day she sees the house for sale in the newspaper. It’s described as a ”paradise to be, needs only a little renovating” etc. Suddenly she feels that this is it! She needs a project. She’s going to renovate it totally and erase all the memories, before she can go on with her life.

Debate: She calls the estate agent and stops the sale. She then calls her brother and sister, saying she’s going to buy them out and move into the house permanently. They are upset but after a discussion they reluctantly accept it for the summer. The heroine arrives at the house and starts cleaning up, but it’s hard as the house is big and full of junk. She switches off her phone, enjoys the peaceful house and garden and knows that this was the right thing to do.

Break into Two: The two bohemian, rich siblings arrive along with their noisy families, and declare surprisingly that they’ve both changed their minds for different reasons in their own private lives. They also want to stay in the house during the summer. The heroine is shocked, but decides to stay and make the siblings change their minds again and leave.

B Story: Her younger sister brings her new boyfriend to the house, and he’s the worst kind of person she can think of: loudspeaking, curious about everything that’s not his business, wealthy, spoiled etc. The young and beautiful couple are madly in love and planning to get married in the autumn.

Fun and Games: She has to live under the same roof as her siblings and their families. Conflicts around different personalities, habits and lifestyles, different ideas about what to do with the house and different ways of mourning their mother. Her sister’s boyfriend is a jerk who’s all over the place. The siblings and their families are obstacles to her goal to erase the memories of her mother, so she does all she can to make them leave the house and go home. It’s going well and it seems she will win the ”battle”.

Midpoint: She is trying to clean up the attic when the boyfriend comes in, asking what she’s doing. She is surprised when he shows her another side of himself: understanding perfectly her feelings of loneliness, anger and sorrow.

Bad Guys Close In: The heroine and her sister’s boyfriend become close friends and see each other secretely. They get a special connection and she learns that he’s experienced tough things in life too. He also brings a humorous point of view to her life. One day he kisses her and she is confused. He tells her the relationship with her sister will soon be over. Conflicts with the siblings is getting more and more serious. Memories of her mother are coming up, as the heroine has to go through her old stuff, photos and so on. She has to face the truth that her mother neglected her three kids and always focused on her career, and as a result the heroine had to take care of her younger siblings. The relationship with her sister's boyfriend means the heroine can handle that painful truth better.

All Is Lost: Her little sister discovers that the heroine is seeing her boyfriend behind her back. The brother takes little sister’s side, and both the siblings ask the heroine to leave immediately. Little sister forgives the boyfriend and they decide to start all over again. The siblings tell heroine the house is going to be sold as quickly as possible.

Dark Night of the Soul: Heroine returns home. Realizes her loneliness is her own fault, she has never allowed her siblings to be grown-ups and respected by her, she has never stopped treating them as children. Instead of being proud of them when the succeed, she has been envious and grudging.

Break into Three: Her son shows up – tanned, nicelooking and happy to see his mom. They have dinner and she’s delighted to notice that he still needs her and loves her, although in a new way. He tells her about a girl he's in love with, and she wishes him good luck – and means it. She tells him she’s sorry for the broken relations with her siblings. He encourages her to go out with some friends and maybe find a new man. It’s not too late.

Finale: In order to forget about her siblings, she goes to a bar with her colleague from school and some friends of the colleagues’. In the bar she suddenly spots the father of her pupil. This time, he shows interest and they have a good time together. But later on when he tries to kiss her, she stops – knowing this isn’t the right way to solve her problems, glancing at her watch to catch the last bus to the summerhouse…

…and she catches the bus, knowing she just has to see her siblings. But when she gets there, the house is dark and empty. The neighbour tells her the siblings left and that the house is going to be sold tomorrow morning, at an auction.

The heroine sleeps her last night in her mother’s house, then early in the morning goes back to town and rushes to the auction. When she arrives, she finds her siblings and tells them the truth: that she loves them and always has, and that she needs them in her life. She has been far too controlling and not the sister she wants to be.
The house is coming up in the auction and the three siblings look at each other. Then they, all at the same time, shout out a higher bid.

Final Image: The three siblings are happy to be together in the beautiful summer house.

Okey, my three biggest problems are (I think):
1. Too much sugar in the end.
2. There should be an issue with the brother as well.
3. Bad solution for the boyfriend-story... Maybe better if she bonds with the sister's kid (as a kind of alternative mother for him) and the sister is upset about that when she finds out? But learns it's actually a good thing to get help. Perhaps the kid can give the heroine some lessons about her own role as a sibling.

Thank you for reading!

Cam_O · Tiger Joined: 05 Jun 2009 Posts: 141 Location: Nebraska

Great hard work Felicia!

Before I can critique, I need to understand your story a little better...

If you wouldn't mind, try using One to Two sentences to describe each beat. I think it would help zoom in on your story's theme. And maybe this is all my fault that I don't understand it. 4 a.m. where I am! Smile

I might just be tired.

At the same time, though, it is good to have a paragraph for each beat so as to explain more thoroughly. I think we just need fixed points of your story.

_________________
I am full of ideas.
I just don't know what they are yet.

Felicia · Puma Joined: 19 Aug 2009 Posts: 92

You're absolutely right. I'll try to do that and be back.
Sleep tight!

Felicia · Puma Joined: 19 Aug 2009 Posts: 92

Here's a new one. Hope it's easier to read... Sorry.
I also changed some details (f x dropped the son).

Opening Image: The heroine (in her fourties) is a teacher who can’t handle the class and is very lonely.

Theme Stated: One of her colleagues at work says something like ”Siblings is the best gift one can have in life.”

The Set-up: She’s tortured by memories of her dead mother and decides with her siblings, who are both successful and make her feel like a loser, that the house they inherited will be sold.

Catalyst: She is secretely attracted to the father of a pupil, which is not a good idea, so she projects her strong feelings on a plan to keep the house and renovate it.

Debate: She stops the sale of the house. Her siblings reluctantly accept her new idea. She arrives at the house and enjoys the peaceful atmosphere.

Break into Two: The two bohemian, rich siblings arrive along with their noisy families. The heroine is shocked, but decides to stay and try to make them leave.

B Story: Her younger sister brings her new boyfriend to the house: a real jerk.

Fun and Games: She has to live under the same roof as her siblings and their families. Her sister’s boyfriend is all over the place. She does all she can to make the crowd go home. She also notices that her brother’s daughter (10) doesn’t get the attention she needs, and starts to feel sorry for her.

Midpoint: She gets alone with the boyfriend and is surprised when he perfectly understands her feelings of loneliness, anger and sorrow.

Bad Guys Close In: The heroine and the boyfriend become close friends and see each other secretely. Conflicts with siblings are getting more and more serious. She also has to face the truth that her mother neglected her kids, and being kind to her niece helps her through it. The niece loves her but is jealous when one day she sees the boyfriend kiss the heroine.

All Is Lost: Her sister discovers, told by the niece, that the heroine is seeing her boyfriend behind her back. Her brother is angry because she has ”stolen” his daughter. The siblings go together against the heroine and decide the house is going to be sold as quickly as possible. They tell her to leave.

Dark Night of the Soul: Heroine realizes her loneliness is her own fault, she’s never allowed her siblings to be respected as grown-ups.

Break into Three: Her colleague shows up and encourages her to go out with some friends.

Finale: She goes to a bar where she accidently meets the father of her pupil. But when the air gets electrified, she stops – rushing off to catch the last bus to the summer house…

…and she catches the bus, but the house is empty. Next morning, it will be sold at an auction.

She rushes to the auction. Meets her siblings and tells them the truth: that she loves them and needs them in life. The house is coming up for sale and the three siblings look at each other. Then they, all at the same time, shout out a higher bid.

Final Image: The three siblings are happy to be together in the beautiful summer house. The friendship between heroine and boyfriend is okay now, and so is her friendship with the niece.

I would very much appreciate to hear what you think of this story. Problem is, I've pitched it some months ago to an important person who is really interested and is waiting for a synopsis by the end of the summer... and now I'm not sure if the story's working at all...

Confused

gc_bevan · Posted: Wed Aug 26, 2009 1:34 pm Post subject:

Here's some feedback and ideas to hopefully help you get unstuck. I've only read your most recently posted beat sheet, so forgive me if I missed something from the longer version.

Opening Image: There's nothing wrong with a fortyish teacher who can't handle her class, but how will you show that she's lonely while surrounded with students? The opening image could show her uncomfortable with people in general, but maybe during lunch her loneliness could be shown.

Theme Stated: Seems okay if maybe a little vague. Consider "Siblings are like friends you can't get rid of. Whatever you do, they'll still be there." This seems to play nicely against your main character, who is lonely and reclusive.

The Set-up: How will you show that she's tortured by her mother's memory? A bunch of flashbacks isn't good. Is she walking through her mother's house looking at pictures and such? I'm not sure how this would work either. Instead, I would start the story with mom being alive, and being the heroine's only friend and defender from her mean-spirited siblings. When her mother dies suddenly (at the Catalyst), the audience will feel her mother's loss without the use of flashbacks and so on.

Also, have you planned out your Six Things That Need Fixing? Even in a brief beat sheet I like to include them. For example, if mom is alive during the setup there can be a friendly mother/daughter argument about mom's extremely ugly house.

Catalyst: I think the secret attraction should be introduced at the B Story. Also, I don't understand how being attracted to him makes her want to renovate mom's house. Again I would go with mom dying at this point, probably from something sudden like a car accident.

Debate: I like to list the debate question first, then describe what actions are used to explore it. It seems like yours is something like "Will the heroine keep mom's memory-filled house, or give in to her money-hungry siblings' demands to sell it?" Make their arguments serious - the siblings really do need the money and the house is truly ugly. Maybe the siblings try using a lawyer against the heroine, but no will is found and so the house can't be sold yet.

Break into Two: Why are the siblings moving in? They should have some strong reason to move in and disrupt the heroine's life. The most natural reason would be they can't live anywhere else - they really are poor, and she has refused to sell the house to provide the money they need.

B Story: I really like the idea of the B story focusing the sister's boyfriend. That should create fireworks!

Fun and Games: This seems good but needs more excitement. Maybe she's trying to clean through mom's stuff, but there are arguments about who gets what. Who gets what room? It's the heroine's house now, but she gives in to demands to give the largest spaces to her sibling's families. And maybe while the heroine is trying to redecorate, her siblings and/or nieces/nephews are being very disruptive. Maybe the ten-year-old finger paints on walls the heroine has just repainted; the heroine is angry at first but makes a connection with her after realizing the kid is lonely too. And to top it all off, her unemployed siblings expect the heroine to provide food and comfort even after her workday is over (that is, they expect her to act like mom did).

Midpoint: I like the idea of connecting with the boyfriend, but how are the stakes raised in the A story - the fight over the house? Maybe after weeks of cleaning, the niece finds mom's will, and it says the house will be divided between them, or sold if they can't agree. The heroine keeps this secret but the niece is in on it.

Bad Guys Close In: Seems good.

All Is Lost: Seems very good!

Dark Night of the Soul: Seems good, and clearly relates to the theme. This also hints at one of the Six Things That Need Fixing - the heroine treats her siblings as children.

Break into Three, Finale, and Final Image: You need to rework the third act. Right now the heroine basically runs away from her problem (she leaves the house with a colleague rather than dealing with her siblings), the house is about to be sold, and then the fight over the house is resolved way too easily (she just tells her siblings her real feelings, but doesn't take any action to show she's really changed).

To improve this, think through your Six Things plus the A story and B story. One of the Six is the heroine treating her siblings as children. What action can she now take to show this isn't true? This will be a real challenge, as her siblings will be skeptical about her changing a life-long habit.

The heroine also tried to steal her sister's boyfriend (hinting at another Six Things item; she's manipulative or dismissive of her sister's needs). Maybe this dismissive attitude comes from her sister's beauty - the heroine is ordinary looking, and so believes her sister can always find another boyfriend if need. How will the heroine fix this problem?

Regarding the house itself, this is where the heroine needs to creatively solve the underlying problems related to it. Why did the siblings move in? If they were poor as I suggested, maybe she finds them work that really suits them - and without them knowing about it. She knows that they would reject her help if they knew about it, and so acts as a true friend by hiding her involvement. She will let them keep the house and move to another city, but they find out what she's been doing. So then the final image could be of them living together in the house, now as best friends and family. Maybe have the house expanded (they're all working now, so they can afford it). And the style of the house reflects everyone - her niece's finger painting and her siblings quirky styles, not just the heroine's own sense of beauty.

Good luck with your writing deadline, and with impressing your important person. Smile

_________________
Just keep writing, baby...

Felicia · Puma Joined: 19 Aug 2009 Posts: 92

If the person is not impressed - well, I am, by you. Thank you for cleaning up my mess and giving me a new set of eyes!
Very Happy

Cam_O · Tiger Joined: 05 Jun 2009 Posts: 141 Location: Nebraska

Wow, looks like Gc covers it!

What to add...

Your 6 Things That Needs Fixing are
1) She's manipulative.
2) She's only attentive to her designing and what she can get.
3) She treats her siblings immaturely.
4) She's lonely.
5) She's a little racist?
6) She's depressed.

I think you need some sort of pay-off for all of these things. Gc did a great job already, let me see what I can offer...

In the finale I really like the idea of bringing back the finger painting as he suggested. To heighten that more, she could also use her designing expertise to put together a romantic dinner between her sister and her boyfriend; she's finally attentive and selfless. The niece has her own room now, finger painted to perfection and they are adding on to the house since the Bohemian cousins are finally working; with an architecture firm. All thank to the heroine. Now she's not racist or treating them like children. And she's not lonely because she got over her vices and found true friends in her family.

Are you going to bring back her crush from the Catalyst? (The father of one of her pupils) Did I miss something?

You could also bring more of the students from her classroom into the story. Maybe at the end, she has her Bohemian brothers as guest speakers for some kind of Diversity Day.

The 6TTNF aren't the strongest ones, because I guessed on a couple, but I hope some of these ideas helped!

Great luck to you!

_________________
I am full of ideas.
I just don't know what they are yet.

Felicia · Puma Joined: 19 Aug 2009 Posts: 92

Thanks to you both!
You really are extremely talented. Now I think I pretty much have the input I need to go on with this story and try to make it shine.
My lesson is: don't pitch anything if you're not sure the concept is solid as a rock...

Thanks again!

Felicia · Puma Joined: 19 Aug 2009 Posts: 92

Okay, here's my problem: this story has really gotten better with your help - but it's still not good. At all.
And the synopsis just has to be delivered. (Or, I mean it's not World War III, I can always tell them I have another idea...)
I'm trying to find out how to make the concept sing and make the reader go "Wow! I just have to read this!" Right now it's more like "Do I have to?" *sigh* And I got some dozen other ideas that I'm more eager to write...

But I don't want to give up. Not yet.

Problems and thoughts:
1) Still problems with third act. It's great that hero helps her siblings without they knowing, but right now I don't see how to make her change her mind in a way that is both believable and unexpected and logical. Also, while she's been fixing the jobs, they must have already been sold the damn house...

2) I want the Hero to be a dynamite main character, but right now she feels passive, dull and negative. She doesn't come across as a sympathetic person whom you want to identify with. What if I swap her goal with the siblings' and turn it upside down?
So that she's a sparkling, positive, fun person who really wants to help them, because that's what an older sister does - but deep inside she thinks they destroy everything. And in the Finale she just can't keep her true feelings inside and tells them they are lazy, childish and useless. And having that said, it feels much better and she can help them out of honest will.

3) I think the main problem with the Hero is that she doesn't have a clear goal in the story, except getting rid of the siblings. But that's negative and passive. What if her loneliness makes her decide that she (to make it simple) wants to meet the big love of her life? So she's the one who wants to sell the house as soon as possible, to get money to buy a new flat - because the one she lives in is not a place where you can invite a man? And the reason she wants to renovate the ugly house is to get it sold. But the siblings want to keep the house to live in it. (Because I think it would be a good thing making her an underdog of some kind, and I also think a love story that's for real, not just stealing her sister's guy, would spice up the whole story.) Or maybe he is the right one for her, in the end...

4) As for the concept and logline, would it be more effective if the mother had disappeared instead of died? So no one knows where she is, and while the police are looking for her the siblings can have different theories and conflicts around what she would do or not - and then by the end the mother is found dead. And that makes the siblings come together.
Or is that a stupid idea?

I think that's all for now...
If you have any thoughts or advice about this, don't hesitate!

gc_bevan · Posted: Tue Sep 01, 2009 12:11 pm Post subject:

I would start by fixing the hero's goal but keep the element of the siblings barging in to get in the way. Here are some new hero's goal ideas:

- Mom seemed wealthy and was generous to her kids but when she dies only meager assets are found. The greedy hero wants to find the treasure mom always said was in her house, but covers this up by saying she's remodeling. The treasure was actually her family and memories of motherhood. So the hero is searching for what she wants (treasure to fulfill her material dreams) but finds what she needs (family, in the form of her very imperfect but loving siblings).

- Give the hero the worst aspects of oldest sisters: dominant and opinionated, the type that makes up diabolical rules when babysitting. And her poor bohemian siblings need major help with life's basics (money, jobs etc.) and more (relationship problems). So the hero starts out as a grown-up version of the mean babysitter, but her early attempts at dictatorial solutions produce disaster. Maybe at the midpoint the mess has spilled into her own career. To succeed, she needs to become her siblings' friends, not their boss.

- The hero could be poor, mild and desperately shy but with secret fantasies about all of life's pleasures. When her bohemian siblings move in, they use mom's wealth to unleash every kind of debauchery. The hero's dreams seem to be coming true, but she soon discovers this isn't her at all - and now must discover her real destiny and the man she really loves while dodging her siblings' high-revving good intentions.

_________________
Just keep writing, baby...

Felicia · Puma Joined: 19 Aug 2009 Posts: 92

Thanks gc!
I knew I could count on you. I think I see it now!

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