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solspoppa
Cat


Joined: 13 Mar 2018
Posts: 18

PostPosted: Tue Mar 13, 2018 4:03 am    Post subject: The Legacy (ROP) Reply with quote #50644

An American cetologist mourning his brother beheaded in Iraq struggles when he finds himself on the open North Atlantic on a small research ship with the young Emirati doctoral candidate assigned to him.

Any and all assistance with the above logline is greatly appreciated.


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RobbRoss
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Joined: 04 Jan 2012
Posts: 1654

PostPosted: Tue Mar 13, 2018 8:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote #50646

Welcome, Sols!

Before anything else, clarify what happens most of the time. Is this about the two surviving rough waters on the ship? Or no thrills and just the drama of the two developing an unlikely friendship or romance? (Is the Emirati a woman?) Something else?


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RobbRoss
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 13, 2018 8:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote #50647

Whether thrills or just drama, if the point is for the American to spend time with an Arab, then clarify the gap between them. Like, more than grieving, the American blames all Middle Easterns. He's bitter. And why not make the other character an Iraqi? Two little adjustments and the personal conflict is much sharper. If that's the intent. If not, clarify!


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solspoppa
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Joined: 13 Mar 2018
Posts: 18

PostPosted: Tue Mar 13, 2018 4:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote #50649

RobbRoss wrote:
Welcome, Sols!

Before anything else, clarify what happens most of the time. Is this about the two surviving rough waters on the ship? Or no thrills and just the drama of the two developing an unlikely friendship or romance? (Is the Emirati a woman?) Something else?


Wow!! Thanks so much. These loglines are HARD! I sure do appreciate the feedback. Now that I've read the great article you've supplied on this forum, I'm going to re-write and post for your feedback many of my loglines. Thanks in advance for your help on those.

To answer your question, Robb, the storyline is a mixture of the two: thrills (I hope) and drama. I'll revise the logline with your comments as a guide and post the revision for your consideration below.

Again, thanks!!


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solspoppa
Cat


Joined: 13 Mar 2018
Posts: 18

PostPosted: Tue Mar 13, 2018 4:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote #50650

Logline revised from the one shared above in the original post:

A bitter American cetologist mourning his brother beheaded in Iraq struggles to survive when the small research ship he's sharing with the young Iraqi doctoral candidate assigned to him shipwrecks in the North Atlantic.


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RobbRoss
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Joined: 04 Jan 2012
Posts: 1654

PostPosted: Wed Mar 14, 2018 8:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote #50654

Getting there. The actual story can still be clearer. See if it helps starting the logline with the action. For example:

Trapped in their battered research ship in the North Atlantic, an American whale biologist, bitter over his brother's beheading in Iraq, and a female Iraqi doctoral candidate struggle to survive the elements and their biases.

Technically, it can be shorter, but that's not a big deal. First make sure the story is clear.

Assuming the above is accurate enough, my personal taste is that it sounds like a script that will hit or miss depending solely on the writing since the concept doesn't feel fresh enough as a hook. What's the plan with this story on the business side of things?


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solspoppa
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Joined: 13 Mar 2018
Posts: 18

PostPosted: Wed Mar 14, 2018 8:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote #50661

RobbRoss wrote:
Assuming the above is accurate enough, my personal taste is that it sounds like a script that will hit or miss depending solely on the writing since the concept doesn't feel fresh enough as a hook. What's the plan with this story on the business side of things?


Hi there, Robb!!

Man, oh, man, I feel as if I'm getting a free seminar on all things loglines!! I can't thank you enough.

Yeah, this does have the definite feel of "been there, done that", doesn't it? I write all my stories within an integrated universe, so these events are important in my characters' lives. The thing for me is to make anyone else care about these events and about these people.

On the business end of things? First and foremost, of course, is simply to write the screenplay. Then, submit it to contests and see what comes of that. Any suggestions you have, please do not HESITATE to suggest.

Thanks again!!


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