Golden Fleece Adventure - Logline help/advice needed.

[Neil Winchell]

Hey everyone:)

New reader and new poster here. While usual protocol on forums indicate you should lurk awhile before posting, my need for logline advice is overriding my common sense of courtesy. Any help as to how to make this flow better, entice more interest, etc, would be greatly appreciated.

TITLE: INFERNO

LOGLINE: After discovering a cover-up, a detached auditor becomes the unwilling test subject for an experiment that has him retrace Dante's journey through the nine circles of Hades, where he must struggle between saving the very world he loathes or letting all Hell break lose.

I've been detailing my thought process in hammering out my logline on my blog (which I very recently created for just such a purpose) so if you want more info you can head over there to read my mental diarrhea surrounding this struggle.

Thanks guys and girls:)

Neil

[crazrick]

I think what's missing is any sense of the dreadful corporation or whatever entity the detached auditor was auditing when he stumbled on whatever cover-up he stumbled upon.

think of TRON or similar stories, where computer programmers and an ex-colleague/hacker/programmer get caught up in a similar trial by fire situation... computer programmers sucked into a computer-world, where their icons/avatars must face off against the Master Control Program and its protector, in the guise of their evil boss.

this logline is missing that queue, that sort of hook.

I don't think 'detached' says enough about our hero to sell us that he's thrust into a moral quandry over saving the world or just letting it all go to hell...

also, you could save some space by not referencing Dante's journey thru the 9 circles of Hades... just name our hero Dante or Dan T, or some such, and keep Inferno as the title, and readers/viewers will get the subliminal hook.

[Mike Rinaldi]

Neil, welcome. I wondered when someone would get around to a modern twist on The Divine Comedy. I'm intrigued. I look forward to reading more about you so when you get a moment, please introduce yourself in the thread designated for such a a thing.

Maybe it's just me, but I imagine all auditors to be detached. It's in their nature. No doubt others will make the same assumption so you don't need that little detail in the logline. I think if you have other interesting character traits to go with, I would pick one of the others for the logline.

I think Crazrick's observations are correct.

We need either a mention of the company (or individual) he is auditing, or to hear who is running the experiement for which the auditor becomes the test subject. If it conveniently happens to be the same company in both instances, that would be outstanding. I've just never been fond of "test" or "experiment" being thrown into loglines without a reference to their source or purpose.

And you have the potential for Hell to break loose and destroy the world coming out of nowhere. You need to connect that to something, so there is a valid need for an antagonistic force. Especially since Hell itself is not likely to be that source. It reads in a way that presumes some anatagonistic instigator.

So the logline needs some sharpening, but you've got me. I want to see this.

_________________
The Slusho's gone? Why is all the Slusho gone?

[Neil Winchell]

Thanks for the great reply guys. Sorry it's taken so long for me to come back and thank both of you....for some reason my boss doesn't like me surfing the web on company time:)

You both mentioned that I should be including the company/entity that was being audited in the logline as a way of explaining what's at stake, who is the antagonistic force, etc,. At least, that's what I got from reading your reviews:)

Initially I was thinking of using the whole 'experiment' thing as a means to start the protagonist's journey through Hell itself, but your comments seem to point out that the forces the protagonist faces in Hell should be connected to those conducting the experiment. The Tron example was good.

It's a minor thing but I am afraid of losing the Dante's reference. Part of me thinks that people need to be made aware of the source material for this script....the other part of me thinks that we've become so illiterate of our past that most people wouldn't even recognize the name anyway.

I think this logline exercise is good for helping to point out shortcomings that need to be addressed.

I just took some of your suggestions and came up with this:

[Mike Rinaldi]

I like it. I think "supernatural realm" is more intriguing for the logline and plenty of people will guess the Dante connection by the title Inferno. Good job, Neil.

_________________
The Slusho's gone? Why is all the Slusho gone?

[Brooke]

I have to disagree.

Just b/c the title is Inferno and you mention supernatural realm doesn't mean that a studio exec will automatically make the connection.

Dante's Peak had little to do with hell. Yes, there was fire and brimstone, and people were "put through hell," but seriously the literal hell was absent.

The mention of Hades and the nine circles really intrigued me and "hooked" me. I wouldn't have known to connect the dots, so to speak, w/o the mention of the nine circles.

If you were to pitch to normal people on the street with the generic supernatural realm, and then with the nine circles of hades, I can almost guarantee that you'd get better respones by using the circles/hades bit. We can only hope that studio exec.'s will "get it," but you never know, so I'd keep it so whoever reads it will know exactly what your screenplay is about. Remember, light a flare and drop it into the mine and see the diamonds, or however Blake put it. Make it crystal clear for us.

That's my take anyway.

[Brooke]

Maybe you could say hades/nine circles AND supernatural realm.

"...he must journey to the supernatural realm of the nine circles of hades..."

Just a thought.

[Mike Rinaldi]

That would be a bit redundant, so if you go with Nine Circles of Hades, you can drop the supernatural realm.

When a disillusioned auditor unearths a cover-up at a military research facility, he is forced to participate as the next test subject in an experiment that propels him into the nine circles of Hell... and his return could lead to the freeing of an evil older then the world itself.

It doesn't hurt to have more than one logline. In general, it's best to try to read your audience and adapt your pitch accordingly.

_________________
The Slusho's gone? Why is all the Slusho gone?

[banditcameraman]

Hi Neil! Welcome to the forum

I really love the concept; it reminds me of classics like
The Omen
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Omen#Influence ,
Devil's Advocate
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Devil%27s_Advocate_%28film%29
and the much maligned Holocaust 2000 (aka The Chosen)
http://www.jabootu.com/acolytes/bnotes/h2k.htm .

While the Divine Comedy has been a source of inspiration, it seems that there are not many movies that tackle the Inferno directly, although it is referenced in more
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dante_and_his_Divine_Comedy_in_popular_culture#Performing_arts.

So you may have something here! I know that I would definitely watch it; I watched Constantine and enjoyed it too

Just some thoughts on the matter, which as always may or may not help

It seems to me that you are working in a world in which the supernatural works. If this is the case, you really don't need a scientific explanation/cause to launch Dante into the nine circles. A magic-based/supernatural means would be enough. The movies earlier cited take place in a world where the supernatural is operative, and while science also does exist, it's not used as launch pad into the supernatural. Blake does make mention of this in Chapter Six of STC, the rule against Double Mumbo Jumbo (p.126).

Two movies that mix both the supernatural and science are
The Black Hole
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Black_Hole
and Event Horizon
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Event_Horizon_%28film%29.
Granted that both movies are set in the future, but both use scientific methods as a portal to Hell. While I did enjoy both movies at the time I saw them, there was a curious feeling of dissatisfaction; with the benefit of hindsight it was because there were two pieces of magic that I was being asked to accept, advanced science and the supernatural. It just felt wrong and I couldn't.

The logline could be: A dour, nihilistic auditor unearths a sinister cover-up during an audit of a military research facility. Propelled into the nine circles of Hell by forces beyond his control, he struggles to escape unaware that his return will unleash Hell on earth.

[Neil Winchell]

I completely forgot about the Double Mumbo Jumbo rule...oops:) You definitely brought up a valid point that I'll have to do some more thinking about.

In the meantime, I do really like what I have now...that being the experiment which starts the whole journey through hell in the first place. Isn't there a way to successfully merge the two?

I'm thinking that if I can portray the supernatural as merely something that science hasn't explained yet, but which does have a scientific explanation, then I might be able to bend the rule a little.

I remember one of my favorite bad movies....The Army of Darkness:) Throughout that movie Ash is seen as somewhat magically because of the knowledge he possesses. Well, that and his shotgun. We can laugh and accept it because we are 'in' on his secret knowledge as well. Is there a way to spin that situation around so we are now on the side of the peasants and am oblivious to this scientific knowledge?

If the rule can't be bent it's going to mean some serious planning and rewriting on my part. Ahhh...good times:)

Thanks for the tip...definitely have to think this one through some more.

*UPDATED* - Just thought of a movie that seems to combine both the scientific world and the supernatural world fairly well....Underworld. Commonly both the werewolf and vampires would be classified under the 'supernatural' realm, but I felt this movie got around that issue by making those human subspecies a result of a virus. Suddenly, it's no big deal to see vampires with high tech weaponry kickin' ass and takin' names. I suppose the same could be said for the 'Blade' series of films.

If I can give a pseudo-scientific explanation for the supernatural realm of hell, I think I might be ok too. Of course, if I throw in a hot woman in a skin tight latex body suit I can probably break multiple rules and still be ok.

[Mike Rinaldi]

Another Constantine fan! So I'm not crazy after all.

[Brooke]

Yes! Ditto on what everyone else said.

Think of all the mysteries that science has not yet solved. We haven't even figured out gravity yet.

You could take this anywhere. I love the combo of science and fantasy/mystery/unknown/whatever anyone wants to call it. You can do it! And I look forward to paying $ to see it at the theater.